1: Mageslayers: This Time, It's Me!

This is a story about heroes. No, that’s too much. This is a story about  what it takes to make a hero. Welcome to Erset La Tari, the Land of No Return!

This strange and mysterious realm teeters
ever on the verge of disaster, barely having survived the apocalyptic world curses! But from the ashes rose the Treaty of Budan and the nations of La Tari achieved a hard won peace. The starving were fed, calamitous war averted and a safe and prosperous zone established. But there were those who opposed the treaty- who chafed at silken shackles of peace. Villains who sought power at the expense of the land’s very survival! These vile ne'er do wells found power in the study of dark magicks and used their martial prowess to enslave their neighbours- forcing them to toil under a repressive yoke  to further their selfish hunger for dark esoteric knowledge. So vast became the gap between the power of these villains and those of the forces of  peace that the nations were forced to once again band together commissioning a  fellowship of heroes, of champions, to meet the crisis head-on. Each a master of their  respective art, willing and ready to meet these wicked casters in battle if and when the need arose.

This is a story of heroes and what it takes to make a hero. So turn back ye faint of heart!  For I tell no word of a lie: Shit gets fucked really fast!

Written by Kier Zhou and Jack Duncan

Addison De Ara - Laura Duncan

Shain Sotalach  - Adam Robinson

Descartamelius (Dec) Go’orbulle - Dylan Smith

Captain Competent- Kier Zhou

Nanda Nall- Justin Fife

Cinte Micheart-  Gemma Maclean-Mair

Nikol Ashorn - Cameron Gergett

Phaetra Coi- Daniellelanois

Seilbh- Krissi Williams

Pogrim Pogglefield-Jack Duncan

Flavian (Jaggerz) Jagari- Girunduu

Preacher- Graham Capobianco

Mage Dad- Jim Tuohy

Magekid -Ryan Andrew Dillon

Dark Mistress- Kiyana Morgan  @KiChanVA

Gore Drinker- Girunduu

Keith- Kier Zhou

Transcript

ADDISON: 

[with grandeur] This is a story about heroes. No, that’s too much. This is a story about what it takes to make a hero.

DEC:

 Is she saying she made us? Like in her tummy?

Sound of something being thrown and general murmuring

ADDISON: 

[conversational] Right, very good, very spirited. Settle down. [clears throat, grandeur returns] Welcome to Erset La Tari, the Land of No Return!

This strange and mysterious realm teeters ever on the verge of disaster, barely having survived the apocalyptic world curses! But from the ashes rose the Treaty of Budan and the nations of La Tari achieved a hard won peace. The starving were fed, calamitous war averted and a safe and prosperous zone established. But there were those who opposed the treaty- who chafed at silken shackles of peace. Villains who sought power at the expense of the land’s very survival!

These vile ne'er do wells found power in the study of dark magicks and used their martial prowess to enslave their neighbors- forcing them to toil under a repressive yoke to further their selfish hunger for dark esoteric knowledge.

So vast became the gap between the power of these villains and those of the forces of peace that the nations were forced to once again band together-  commissioning a fellowship of heroes, of champions, to meet the crisis head-on… each a master of their respective art…

SHAIN: 

Master of waffling the fuck on!

ADDISON:

 Ahem. …willing and ready to meet these wicked casters in battle if and when the need arose.

This is a story of heroes and what it takes to make a hero. So turn back ye faint of heart! For I tell no word of a lie: shit gets fucked really fast.

 

CATHYX  

Nyahahahaha! It’s too late Mageslayers! In just a few moments the Rites of Sibilant Fire will be complete! And I, CATHYX  the Immolator, will have the power to challenge the very gods!

CAPTAIN

Your days of immolating are over evil-doer! Team! Zeta formation, and use the Stygian Twist this time, let’s put some sauce on this steak.

All: 

Yes sir!

NIKOL: 

What should I do boss?! I was never drilled in zeta!

CAPTAIN

 Smolder intensely in the shadows and get a brew on- *huff of exertion* heroing is thirsty work!

[sounds of battle and movement]

CINNTE: 

[struggling] if…I…can…just…push back…enough to…

[sounds of the villains thoughts echoing and P concentrating] 

PHEATRA:

His thoughts are mine!

CATHYX : 

Get out of my head!

PHEATRA: 

Shattering the obelisk is key! Without it the ritual fails!

CAPTAIN

Lif! You know what to do!

SEILBH: 

Always…

[sound of crash and powering down]

CATHYX : 

No! No! How could you pos- [stabbed through the throat- gurgle and death rattle]

SEILBH:  

I…hate…casters…

[Victory music- sounds of celebration cheering crowds]

SHAIN: 

We’re Heroes CINNTE! We’re really heroes!

CINNTE: 

Ha! And this is just the start!

CAPTAIN

Indeed! There are a great many adventures ahead of our mighty band! Not even the mightiest of enemies will stand before
 
 [smash cut- funeral dirge rain and weeping]


ADDISON: 

Yet fate, sweet fate, she is a fickle mistress. For who could have foreseen that the mighty lion would be laid low, not by sorcerer’s fire or the blades of darkness. But by an infected ingrown toenail.

PRIEST: 

The Captain, as he was known to those closest to him, was a man who was defined not only by his charisma and leadership but his all round competence. A man unrivaled in moral, intellectual and physical virtue. There is a lesson in humility here for all of us- no matter how great the man- he is not above the fates and no matter how great the man… he is not above good foot hygiene! Perhaps if we all carry this message forward, the Captain’s death will not have been in vain!

[*sound of priest talking in the background continues*]

NIKOL: 

This is grim. Even by my standards.

CINNTE [sounding in shock]: 

We used to joke about his old boots, called them his lucky pair. Always stank up the tent.

SHAIN: 

Look, I know it's bad but we still have the team! As long as we still have a purpose we’ll be okay. I’ll be okay…

DEC: 

Thanks buddy. Comrades to the end.

SHAIN: 

To the end DEC.

PRIEST: 

I know that the captain would want you all to remain strong and carry on your great work, honoring his legacy and his name and I have a short statement to read out from his father- the primary benefactor of this great mission, which will no doubt give you heart and courage in these difficult times.

[opens scroll]

SHAIN: 

What did I tell you? Purpose.

All: 

[*mumbling of agreement*]

PRIEST: 

‘The cost of this venture has already been too high…[pause before continuing with uncertainty] With the…loss of my son,…along with the substantial…financial burden this troop carry-…all missions are …henceforth suspended…pending review of the validity and reliability of the fellowships commission… oh… well…ummm…’

SHAIN: 

*scream, abruptly cut off*

Intro music.
 

ADDISON: 

In the absence of leadership, in the absence of purpose- what are heroes to do? Theirs are not souls which cherish peace nor thrive with idle hands. Without hope or direction- without action or drama- they each found or made their own. But a full tankard cannot fill an empty heart.

SHAIN: 

[drunk] Fuck fuck fuck!

SEILBH: 

I told you to keep hands to yourself.

SHAIN: 

You’ve killed me! I am undone!

SEILBH:

 Perhaps.

DEC: 

[laughing without humor] She finally did it then? Better than you deserve.

SHAIN: 

DEC! Comrade! Sibling! Save me!

SEILBH: 

He is drunk, weak man. Flesh wound will heal.

SHAIN: 

[rising] You useless cutthroat bitch!

DEC:

 Sit the fuck back down SHAIN!

SHAIN: 

You don’t tell me what to do DEC. No one tells me what to do anymore!

[sounds of struggle]

SEILBH:

 [smiling] I’ll cut you into pieces and feed you to cat.

SHAIN:

 you little wh-

PHEATRA: 

[extremely calm] Shut up SHAIN and go to bed. Before I tell everyone about Strielta…

SHAIN:

 How the hell do you know about-

PHEATRA: 

Mind reader. It is literally 90% of what I do. Think about that before you start making trouble.

SEILBH: 

I don’t need help from caster! Maybe I cut you into pieces instead. Cat is hungry.

CINNTE:

 Want to try that with me too little Lif- maybe I’ll do more than scorch you this time.

SEILBH:

 Speak your cursed words witch, knives are faster.

ALL:

[everyone shouting and arguing]

ADDISON: 

Ah. Discord. But all it takes is one chance meeting to turn it all around. Some call it the arrival of the mentor, others the call to adventure but always someone must arrive to pick up the hero’s- dust them off and renew their purpose! And this time… well this time

ADDISON:

 It’s me!

[group stop arguing]

CINNTE: 

Did this idiot just walk into a room and yell “it’s me?” Who the fuck is me?

NANDA: 

[bored, monotone] All hail and stand ready. Announcing the honorable…

ADDISON: 

Come now NANDA, there’ll be time for that. Ah, you must be CINNTE. A philosophical question you pose, one many scholars would disagree on. Who is “me”? [pauses for thought] In this case, “me” is… Destiny!

DEC:

 Last ‘Destiny’ I met was in a red house in the capitol.

ADDISON: 

Destiny is not my name dear man but my vocation! I am here in the business of Destiny; yours, mine, the very worlds!

SHAIN: 

Oh fuck, I know what this is. I’ll take a couple of baggies of karrow if you’ve got any, and a wisp of weutha…enough for a couple of spliffs…

ADDISON: 

Ha ha, oh my no dear friend. I am not some shadowy trafficker in back-alley frivolities. I am a crafter of legends, he who makes gods of mortals!

SHAIN:

 Well… I’ve had too much to drink clearly…

SEILBH:

 And lost much blood…

SHAIN:

 Not as much as you’re about to you little…

CINNTE:

 [Interrupting] This is a private residence “friend”, for the exclusive use of the-

ADDISON: 

The once renowned Mageslayers, warriors of the late Captain Competent. This I know.

PHEATRA:

 She’s the new boss.

NANDA:

 Most unorthodox.

ADDISON: 

A new leader? CINNTE picking up the torch slipped so tragically from your mentor’s hands? And you must be our resident Dewin- skilled in the art of other minds- it is a pleasure to make your acquaintance PHEATRA!

PHEATRA:

 You still haven’t told us your name.

ADDISON:

 Must I? With all candor I have been waiting for you to introduce me! Are not such things a simple matter for one such as yourself? I must admit myself somewhat underwhelmed.

SEILBH:

 [giggle]

PHEATRA: 

And what is that supposed to mean!?

NANDA: 

“Underwhelmed”, noun, past-tense. To fail to impress or otherwise make a positive impression.

PHEATRA:

 [through gritted teeth] I know what the damn word means.

ADDISON: 

[playful and irreverent] My apologies, I only meant to say I was expecting you to instantly peer into my innermost soul. Not leading questions like a common tavern cold reader!

PHEATRA:

 You dare?

DEC: 

[Sighing] I’ll get my axe…

SHAIN: 

[slurring] Do you have drugs for us or not?

ADDISON: 

My, my, my! Now it seems it is I who is failing to make a positive impression! You have my most humble and heartfelt apologies my dear. My mouth, she moves faster than my mind at times.

SEILBH:

 Your mouth is a lady?

DEC:

 Most are.

ADDISON: 

My loquaciousness is a tragic weakness, I know. A fatal flaw you could say! One I must overcome or be utterly ruined by in the manner of Gracchus the Wit or another such tragic hero. Perhaps a demonstration of your mental prowess would put us at ease?

CINNTE:

 You really don’t want that friend.

ADDISON: 

Nonsense! Why don’t you tell the group exactly who I am PHEATRA? Or maybe break the ice with an embarrassing memory of a terrible secret from my past? Go right ahead, I am as open as the proverbial book!

DEC: 

He’s asking for it P.

PHEATRA: 

[seething with frustration] I can. Yes.

ADDISON: 

Then go ahead…

PHEATRA: 

It's not like tapping a keg! I need a moment to…

ADDISON: 

Do your foes sit patiently and wait for you to be ready? Do they play cards perhaps? patiently awaiting their turn like monsters in some war game?

PHEATRA: 

I can’t just… not when I’m…

ADDISON: 

My, my, my! I do hope you are all more skilled than this one. I cannot make bricks without clay!

PHEATRA: 

[straining] That’s not fair… you can’t just.

ADDISON: 

Don’t strain dear, you’re liable to break something! Well, that about does it for tonight I think! Tata, sweet dreams and all that! I will see you all bright and early tomorrow to begin our great work in earnest!

[ADDISON walks out]

CINNTE: 

Who by the Ashes was that?

SEILBH & DEC:

 I like her!

NANDA: 

Briefing on your new assignment will commence at forenoon in the ready room. You are all expected to be present, prepared and [sniffs] presentable. Interviews and trials will commence immediately following the briefing. Please ensure you have all of your registration paperwork and identification available including your MS1950 forms to indicate your current holdings from stores…. Good night.

[NANDA leaves]

DEC: 

I don’t like him…

SEILBH: 

He smells like dust and speaks very little and then lots. But words mean nothing?

PHEATRA:

 [still flustered] This is how they tell us the job is still on?! Really?! Fucking brass.

SHAIN:

 [with deep sadness] The job isn’t on. Captain got toed. That officious little shit was talking about a debriefing. This is just them fucking us formally.

DEC:

 Destiny charged five gold extra for formal fucking. Real fancy like.

PHEATRA:

 What could that possibly mean?

CINNTE:

 They make a good point.

PHEATRA:

 About “formal fucking”?

CINNTE: 

About five gold for extra. They want us to dig our team’s grave then they’re gonna have to pay us for it. If we stick together and…

SHAIN:

 Sod that. I’m not sticking around for some fucking exit interview. I’m taking my skills and my gear and looking for a real job. Anyone who wants to come with me is welcome… except you, you and you, you can sod off.

[MAGE DAD fretting over the macguffin wondering what to do as he descends into madness- his disinterested child uses the chance to ‘sneak’ out]

MAGE DAD:

 [whispered and frantic] Yes… yes I hear the song. Or am I singing it? Or dancing? Or perhaps I’m the paper the music is transcribed upon? Or the ink? AM I THE INK?!

GOTH TEENAGER:

 ummmm Dad?

MAGE DAD: 

[continues muttering] object of great power- in the wrong hands…but how could my hands be the right hands? One of them is left…

GOTH TEENAGER: 

Maybe stop whispering to the rock dad? You’re really freaking all of us out. Here, let me take it.

[Reaches out to touch it]

MAGE DAD:

 GET BACK!

GOTH TEENAGER:

 Gods Dad!

MAGE DAD: 

It’s not made for mortal hands, or mortal lands! It doesn’t fit, we aren’t fit. Maybe you’ll have a fit! [giggles insanely]

GOTH TEENAGER:

 You’re insane! I hate it here! I just want to go back home! I don’t even have any friends here!

MAGE DAD: 

[suddenly lucid] That’s fine son… I know you are a cliche and I’m not even ashamed… just please promise me [mania returns] you won’t touch the artifact!

GOTH TEENAGER:

 Fuck you Dad- I’m gonna go and hang out at the Cavern with the Heralds of Nian- we’re gonna get drunk and smoke drugs and do weird dark magic stuff!

MAGE DAD:

 Fine! Fine! Yes yes! Go be pretend shadow mages with your pretend friends…

GOTH TEENAGER:

 They aren’t my friends! And they aren’t pretending! They’re real life evil cultists! You never understand anything! Why can’t you ever just maintain immersion!

MAGE DAD:

 Once you’ve seen through the fourth wall son, that’s all that’s left! You can hear them, dozens of ears, hundreds if we’re lucky! Always listening… I won’t let that happen to you!

[runs out the door]
 
 

 [Sounds of goth kid walking through the brush]

[Sounds of other goth kids (Heralds of Nian) chatting- stops abruptly]

HERALD 1:

 Hey! Dude! Like! Stop!

GOTH TEENAGER:

 Urm, is this the right cave? Like, is this the place?

HERALD 1:

 Like, who’s asking or whatever?

HERALD 2:

 It’s the new kid or whatever! Hey! Farel, right?

GOTH TEENAGER: 

 ummm that’s like my dumb mortal name. My like, real name is [in a terrible Dark Knight Batman impression] Slay…Blood..Blood Slayer…

[Pause]

HERALD 1:

 [snicker]

HERALD 2:

 [sincere] Fuck yes Blood Slayer! You wanna come and hang out and do cult stuff?

GOTH TEENAGER:

 [excited] Yeah! Totally! Ummm I mean… [back to Batman] Sure…Whatever… Um, darkness…

HERALD 1: 

No freakin’ way! He doesn’t know the password! And he hasn’t undergone the bloodnding or the darkening! I bet he doesn’t even know how to say the Gore Prayer of the Blackest Black of the Ultra Void!

HERALD 2: 

We can teach him [flirtatious] Wanna come with me Blood Slayer? I can show you all the rituals if you like…

GOTH TEENAGER:

 [smiling] sure.

HERALD 1: 

[Whispered] So we’re just gonna let anyone into our super secret evil cult now? Or what?

HERALD 2: 

[whispered] If they’re cute, yeah.

HERALD 1: 

[whispered, conciliatory] No one’s saying he’s not totes adorbs. But… Blood Slayer?

HERALD 2:

 [whispered] Such a cliche right, Gore Drinker?

HERALD 1:

 [whispered and oblivious] I know!

[montage of drinking and smoking and making out]

GOTH TEENAGER: 

[drunk/high] he just doesn’t get me you know. He just whispers to his rock all day. He like doesn’t understand the darkness in my soul…not like you do dark mistress.

HERALD 2:

 I’d like to see more [interrupted]

[HEAD GOTH paces in]

HEAD GOTH:

 who is this Darkmistress?

HERALD 2: 

[feigned irritation- she is negging her ex] eugh! This is Blood Slayer and [sultry] he is the darkest souls I’ve ever met!

HEAD GOTH:

 Blood Slayer. Cute…

HERALD 1:

[sycophantic tittering]

HERALD 2:

 You're such a poser Keith! Where is this dark object of great power you keep telling everyone about? When are you going to introduce us to this night mother you keep going on about? Blood Slayer has got something much cooler than you! He was just telling me about it, right Bloodslayer?

GOTH TEENAGER:

  Actually… it’s my dad’s and I’m not allowed to touch it.

HEAD GOTH: 

Hah! Not allowed? What a daddy’s boy. You’ve got no darkness at all.

HERALD 2:

 [scoff]

GOTH TEENAGER:  

But I can get it… obviously coz like I’m not gonna like respect my dad’s boundaries or heed his terrible portents of doom or whatever- even if he is like an arch mage.

HERALD 2: 

Awesome! [kiss] see- Waaaay cooler than you Keith.

HEAD GOTH: 

It’s Legion of Death and you know that, Anna! Go ahead then Blood Loser, show us it!


CINNTE

Shain! Shain!

SHAIN

Cinnte! Well at least someone has some sense. Grab a sack and as much gear as you can…

CINNTE

I’m not leaving, and neither are you.

SHAIN

The actual fuck? You said it yourself, they’re paying us to dig our own graves. I’ve already been to one funeral this year, that’s my limit.

CINNTE

And I don’t want to have to go to yours. You’ll die out there on the road on your own.

SHAIN

I’ll die if I remain here around these fucking psychos. Did you see what that blank eyed bitch did to me?

CINNTE

I saw you grab her wrist first.

SHAIN

She was cheating at cards!

CINNTE

She always cheats and she has that whole thing about being touched. I don’t care how drunk you are, you know that.

SHAIN

Yeah, yeah of course. You’re right Cinnte as always and, as always, I’m fucking wrong. I guess it is my fault that that little god twisted fuck gets to do whatever she wants, cut whoever she wants, and ol’ Dec will just step in for her to feed his boot to whoever says anything. What a fucking fool I was for thinking otherwise!

CINNTE

[Pause] You done?

SHAIN

[Petulant but less angry] Yeah, I’m done. Done with this and done with all these fucks.

CINNTE

Sure you are. So be done with them. Ignore them, don’t play gods-damned cards with the known cheat and eat something for fuck’s sake. Come hear what this De Arra has to say tomorrow morning before you decide anything. You shouldn’t make decisions drunk out of your mind.

SHAIN

I can’t get my hopes again Cinnte. I’m not sure I can take another disappointment like that.

CINNTE

Then don’t. Like I said, this is probably just us agreeing to be disbanded. There’ll probably be a nice discharge bonus and then we can leave all this behind together.

SHAIN

[Trying to hide how much having company on the road means to him] Yeah… Yeah, alright. We’ll get ourselves a nice fat bonus and then fuck off to somewhere far away from here… over the mountains… Emedu maybe… I mean…if you mean it?

CINNTE

I do. I’m sick of these freaks too.