2: Mageslayers: Revenge of the Cult Teens Of Terrible Darkness

The story continues!

Written by Kier Zhou and Jack Duncan

Addison De Ara - Laura Duncan

Shain Sotalach  - Adam Robinson

Descartamelius (Dec) Go’orbulle - Dylan Smith

Nanda Nall- Justin Fife

Cinte Micheart/Silda Grass-  Gemma Maclean-Mair

Mr Grass - Robb Clark

Nikol Ashorn - Cameron Gergett

Phaetra Coi- Daniellelanois

Seilbh- Krissi Williams

Pogrim Pogglefield-Jack Duncan

Flavian (Jaggerz) Jagari- Girunduu

Magekid -Ryan Andrew Dillon

Dark Mistress- Kiyana Morgan  @KiChanVA

Gore Drinker- Girunduu

Keith- Kier Zhou

Transcript

[stage whisper]

GRASS 1:

 I knew it. I knew it. I knew it! That Keith kid’s up to no good!

GRASS 2: 

They’re just drinking and playing catch the tonsil Cilda- no different to we were back in the-

GRASS 1: you ‘erd em! Legion of Death! Blood Slayer! Dark Souls! Nightmistress! Meeting the Night Mother! Something has to be done before we’re knee deep in demon shit!

GRASS 2:

 Supernatural forces? That’s for the stories or folks with big names. Doesn’t happen in Lyndon.

GRASS 1:

 I’m telling you! This is real! This is happening! The Sheriff won’t be any good- too soft on these kids, ignored all my complaints!

GRASS 2: 

You going to take them on then yourself, Cilda? Gonna get a big name o’ yer own?

GRASS 1: 

No! But I know just the people to help us!

————-

ADDISON: 

My goodman, goodlady, are you honestly asking me to set my elite squad of mageslayers upon a group of neerdowell youths?

GRASS 1:

 I said evil cultists and dark magicks! you weren’t listening at all!

NANDA:

 Dear me…

ADDISON:

 I was goodlady, that’s the problem. [Sighing]. So you believe they are cultists or some such?

GRASS 2:

 Yes!… How did you know?

ADDISON: 

[sigh of forbearance] Context and experience.

GRASS 2: 

Eh?

ADDISON: 

look Mr and Ms Grass. I am here to write an epic. Not to get myself embroiled in some backwater comedy of errors. I am afraid, if your local sheriff or warden considers this beneath them… my champions are certainly above these concerns.

GRASS 1:

 It’s a slippery slope De Ara, mark my words! Today it’s fantasy goths smoking and drinking- tomorrow it’s elder evils and Eldritch monsters!

ADDISON:

  We are well inside the safe zone Mrs Grass- I am sure the boundary vanguard have all the eldritch nightmares in hand.

GRASS 2:

 They’ll kill us all! They’ll open a hole in reality that will devour…

ADDISON:

 Mmm hmm. NANDA, if you would?

NANDA: 

I’m afraid that’s all Lordess De Ara has time for today. We thank you for your interest and support of the mageslayers and wish you a pleasant journey home. If you have any feedback or comments on the  service you received today please feel free to write to the Budan Peace Council or fill in one of the comment cards on your way out.

———

DEC:

 And that’s three crowns, I win!

SEILBH: 

No, you lose badly and must pay double.

DEC:

 What? I thought…

SEILBH: 

My cards are all different colours so you lose.

DEC:

 I’ve never heard that rule…

SEILBH:

 Is rule in my homeland.

DEC: 

Where’s that again?

SEILBH: 

[long pause] Landia. Is beautiful.

DEC: 

Didn’t you say it was Kingland before?

SEILBH: 

No. [long pause] You are stupid and cannot remember.

DEC: 

[sigh] Fair… Well I’m tapped then. Was eyeing that roast at the inn too…

SEILBH:

 I will buy.

DEC: 

[laughing] And maybe a cask or two of ale?

SEILBH:

 Is good for your bones.

[sound of door slamming]

GRASS 1: 

You will regret this De Ara! Mark my words!

GRASS 2:

 Fools! All of you!

[another door slamming]

DEC: 

What’s that about you think?

SEILBH:

 Will go sneaking.

———

PATIENT:
[screaming behind all the dialogue]

NIKOL:

 A new boss?

PHEATRA: 

Apparently, and we’re meeting tomorrow morning.

POGRIM: 

If we wanted to meet you people we’d be staying in that hovel with you.

PHEATRA: 

Not all of us can afford feather beds in an inn POGRIM.

PATIENT:

 [loud scream]

PHEATRA: 

Do you need to be doing this right now?

FLAVIAN: 

[physically straining] Yes. And it's not our fault we have marketable skills. You’re doing very well my friend.

PATIENT: 

[with mouth full and sobbing] Ugrhks

PHEATRA: 

Yes, the three of you are impressively mundane. Forgive me if I don’t want to get run out of another town for my readings being too accurate.

NIKOL: 

Chance would be a fine thing.

PHEATRA:

 Listen you!

POGRIM: 

[interrupting] So we have a meeting! Maybe we’ll get you some more action eh NIKOL?

NIKOL:

 Let all the spirits make it so…

FLAVIAN: 

Yeah! Get good vibes from her? And three two one! [straining]

PATIENT:

 [loud scream which suddenly cuts off] Oh, that’s better!

FLAVIAN: 

Maybe lay off the surgery treats for a bit and find me if there’s any more issues.

PHEATRA: 

She’s… something that’s for sure. Talks like she’s trying to sell us something.

POGRIM: 

Fuck me. And? What’s she selling?

PHEATRA: 

I’m not sure. But I’m going to find out.

———

ADDISON:

 [snoring]

[door creaking]

PHEATRA: 

[under their breath] Alright, let’s see what you’re hiding in your mind.

[magical noise]

ADDISON: 

[echoing and ethereal] …why yes, I would love to… no, I don’t think so… Behind me companions! I will lead us… TREMBLE IN FEAR BEFORE ME INSIPID FOOLS… [singing] I am a pretty lass, with a pretty bonnet…

PHEATRA:

 [under their breath] What the fuck…

SEILBH: 

[stage whisper] What are you doing?

PHEATRA: 

[muffling a yelp with their hand and stage whispering] What are you doing here?!

SEILBH:

 [stage whisper] Sneaking.

ADDISON: 

[talking in her sleep] I don’t want to eat peppers mummy, they scream when I bite them…

PHEATRA: 

[stage whisper and annoyed] Get down from there and follow me.

[door creaking]

SEILBH:

 [speaking normally] You nearly spoiled my sneak.

PHEATRA:

 [speaking normally] I was sneaking too!

SEILBH: 

You poked her mind with your horrible magic. She will be an evil demon now.

PHEATRA:

 Not how any of this works. [shaky breath] But there’s something up with her. Her mind is wrong, like she has a dozen memories layered over one event. Only clear memories I got were from this evening.

SEILBH:

 And she hasn’t moved in hours. She is strange.

PHEATRA:

 [dismissive] She’s sleeping SEILBH.

SEILBH:

 [sounding it out] Slee-peeng. Strange.

PHEATRA: 

[exasperated] Sure, you don’t know what sleeping is. Fine, you’re very weird etc. Goodnight SEILBH.

[footsteps]

SEILBH:

 [long pause] You’re very weird.

———

NANDA: 

[clears throat before yelling] AT ATTENTION FOR YOUR RIGHT AND HONORABLE LEADER: LORDESS ADDISON DE ARA

ADDISON: 

[walking into the room] Ha ha ha, no need for applause!

Everyone: 

[silence]

ADDISON: 

Too kind! Too kind!

SHAIN:

 Get on with it!

ADDISON: 

Fighting spirit! I like it! [under her breath] Keep an eye on that one.

NANDA: 

[under his breath] Yes ma’am.

ADDISON: 

So, you are probably wondering why you’re all here!

Everyone: 

[general uninterested mumbling]

NIKOL:

 [hyped as fuck] Yes ma’am!

ADDISON: 

Marvelous! Such enthusiasm! And your name is?

NIKOL:

 NIKOL ma’am!

ADDISON: 

NIKOL? NANDA, ten points to NIKOL!

NANDA: 

Ten points.

NIKOL:

 Fuck yes.

SEILBH: 

What? Points? Give me points!

DEC:

 I would also like some points.

CINNTE:

 For fuck’s sake…

ADDISON: 

There will be plenty of opportunities to earn points and earn fabulous prizes! [under his breath] NANDA, find some fabulous prizes.

NANDA:

 Fabulous prizes ma’am.

ADDISON: 

Without further ado, here are our new patrol routes!

Everyone: 

[booing and jeering]

ADDISON: 

Now now, I know it's not exciting work…

SHAIN: 

Its guardsman work! Fucking copper piece spearman shit!

CINNTE:

 They may as well disband us now.

ADDISON: 

And from humble beginnings do great things…

POGRIM:

 Well, back to the inn I think.

FLAVIAN:

 Right behind you.

Everyone:

 [mumbling of agreement]

ADDISON: 

[shouting over people leaving] Friends! Comrades! I understand you are disappointed!

SEILBH:

 What about the cult teens?

ADDISON: 

Cult teens?

SEILBH: 

The ones you were talking to dusty words man about last night?

ADDISON:

 How did you…

PHEATRA: 

That’s nothing SEILBH, I saw in his memories it's just some local conspiracy…

ADDISON:

 [improvising] Of course! The Cult Teens! Who are about to summon the Great and Terrible [pause] Mal’tharax! Herald of the, err, Unblinking Void!

NANDA:

 Ma’am?

ADDISON: 

[under her breath] Roll with it. [Speaking normally] Yes! These poor and misguided children have been led astray and will soon sacrifice their virgin souls to this foul abomination from beyond the very stars!

PHEATRA:

 But…

NIKOL: 

I knew it!

SHAIN: 

Why didn’t you say something earlier? Why all this patrol bullshit?

ADDISON: 

Why? Ha ha ha! Why indeed? [under her breath] NANDA why?

NANDA: [under his breath] Orders ma’am?

 ADDISON: 

Of course! Because of my orders! But I’ve decided that you have all so impressed me that I have decided to give you the full story!

DEC:

 I like stories.

SEILBH: 

Yes. But my stories are better.

ADDISON: 

It all began at the dawn of the last age. A being of pure darkness coalesced from a tear in the darkness between the stars themselves, like an infection in a wound. The world, no the universe, would have been destroyed if not for the timely intervention of a brave band of heroes who, alas, all fell battling the creature. All that survived of it was its obsidian coated skull, lost to history,l, which was dug up all these centuries later by these poor teens. Now thralls of its power they are on the verge of completing the ritual to bring it back into the world forever!

NIKOL:

 I have never been this happy.

SHAIN: 

This is more fucking like it! The Mageslayers are back!

———

NANDA:

 Very good ma’am.

ADDISON:

 Not bad for off the cuff eh?

NANDA: 

Indeed. But what will you do when they discover nothing?

ADDISON: 

Oh we’ll find something suitably weird, break it and declare victory! Huzzah!

NANDA: 

Huzzah indeed ma’am.

[knock at the door]

ADDISON: 

Come…

[door slams open]

ADDISON:

 …in.

PHEATRA: 

What the fuck was that?

ADDISON: 

What the expletive was what my dear?

PHEATRA: 

That bullshit about the [with mock gravitas] festering space arse?

ADDISON: 

The wound between the stars, the Herald of the Unthinking…

NANDA:

 Unblinking…

ADDISON: 

Unblinking Void, yes. What of it?

PHEATRA:

 It's horseshit.

ADDISON: 

Is it indeed? And how would you know that?

PHEATRA:

 I’m. A. Fucking. Psychic.

ADDISON: 

Ooooh! Your hitherto unseen oracular powers have returned have they?

PHEATRA: 

Yes they have! And I saw your memories of dismissing those conspiracy theorists!

ADDISON: 

Or that’s just what I wanted you to see?

PHEATRA: 

That’s nonse… Wait, is that what was up with your other memories?

ADDISON: 

[confused] My other… [rolling with it] Yes! My other memories! I am utterly immune to psychic reading of any kind!

PHEATRA: 

[sarcastic] Sure you are. [Determined] Let’s see.

ADDISON: 

Layered, reverbed and varied panning

[ethereal and echoing] I wonder what they’ll find.

I’m the chosen one, I cannot be stopped.

Idiot idiot idiot idiot idiot idiot idiot idiot.

[Manic laughter]

Dog plus horse, ultimate pet.

There is a spider in this room, it hates me.

PHEATRA: 

[shaken] What… what are you?

ADDISON: 

Your new boss my dear. What? You think they picked me on a whim? Some frustrated no-name civil servant sent out here to put you all out to pasture?

PHEATRA: 

I… Yes, I did think that.

ADDISON: 

Well now you know better. Now go prepare to battle evil.

PHEATRA: 

Yes… ma’am.

[door closing]

NANDA: 

Ma’am, I feel a little out of the loop.

ADDISON: 

Me too NANDA, me too. [contemplative] I always knew there was something special about me…

NANDA: 

[uncertain] Indeed ma’am… And, weren’t you sent here to just put the Mageslayers out to pasture?

ADDISON: 

Not anymore NANDA … Not anymore…

———
 [Sounds of Nikhol packing and repacking his adventurers kit]
 
 NIKHOL
[Talking to self near manically with excitement about the upcoming mission] Fifteen els of hempen rope, fifteen els of silken rope… pitons, hammer, torches, tinderbox, crowbar, rations, waterskin, crowbar? Will I need the crowbar? Side pouch or top flap then?
 
 [Door creaks]
 
 POG

 Nikhol….Nikhol… Jaggerz and I are starting to think you may have been possessed by some evil spirit… I am coming in… and I promise it isn’t to cosh you…okay?
 
 [POG slowly sneaks in as NIKHOL keeps talking to himself]
 
 NIKHOL
Caltrops? They might be a bit much… I want to make sure I’ve got anything anyone could need but I don’t want to slow down the group and

 [Floorboard heavy creak]
 
 NIKHOL
Ah! Pog! You’ve found my cosh! Where was it?
 
 POG
Oh… erm… yes… here you go…[hands it over]
 
 NIKHOL

Never know when you are going to have to subdue someone non lethally! If I had a gold piece for everytime someone goes mad on an expedition! One of the party gets a batch of spurred rye in their rations and you’ll be thanking the spirits you brought a cosh! That is definitely coming with! Though… I reckon I should have that with my belt kit
 
 FLAVIAN
[poking head around the door whispering] Have you subdued him? I’ve called for the local cleric.
 
 POG
He has disarmed me Flavian! What do I do!?
 
 NIKHOL
Jaggerz! What do you think? Crowbar or no crowbar? And what are your thoughts on Caltrops?
 
 FLAVIAN
Now, now spirit, leave this young man be… if you have unfinished business on this plane do not take this young innocent creature! Take Pog instead!
 
 POG
What?! Why me?!
 
 NIKHOL
I’m sorry you two… I must seem absolutely doolally sitting here muttering to myself about silly things… I’m just… I’m just so excited… I never really… Well I never really ‘made the cut’ when the captain was leading us… I don’t even have a room at the lodge… I don’t think they really saw my potential back then… but now… now we’ve got a fresh start!
 
 FLAVIAN
Ah! You are not possessed by an evil spirit… simply by the naive enthusiasm of youth…
 
 POG
So… no need for a coshing then?
 
 NIKHOL
I just… I want to be a hero, you know! Like from the stories! Thad Orin! Elra! Karivand the Traveller! Jaxon of Prem!
 
 FLAVIAN
Well… for starters young Nikhol your list of heroes consists of a possibly psychotic celestial, a famously incompetent leader, a birdman who steals treasure from foreign lands and a young idiot who got himself blown up… do you think perhaps… you might choose better role models?
 
 NIKHOL

But they all made a difference Jaggerz! They all did something that meant something!
 
 POG

[Irritated and offended with Nikhol for not respecting the importance of the support elements] I hate this! This self hatred! It’s always the same! We even do it to ourselves! Listen to him! Have you not had ‘the talk’ with him Flavian?
 
 FLAVIAN
Come on now Pogrim, you can’t blame the lad. Sometimes it’s difficult to see the story between the lines.
 
 NIKHOL
I’m sorry Pog… I didn’t mean to upset you.
 
 POG
Oh… you didn’t lad… You just remind me of me…before I stopped being an idiot.
 
 FLAVIAN
Let’s stick with your heroes for a moment shall we. Jaxon of Prem. Do you think he had a ranger and guide?
 
 NIKHOL
Well…I mean Jaxon was from Prem so he probably didn’t need a-
 
 FLAVIAN
Karivand the Traveller- how far into his travels do you think he would have gotten without a decent quartermaster?
 
 NIKHOL
Well… I mean… he had wings and could fly long-
 
 FLAVIAN
Not far at all, that’s how far! And what about Elra? Hmmm. How do you think Hearthglen Haven would have fared without a barber to heal the sick and injured?
 
 NIKHOL
In the last age magical healers could-
 
 FLAVIAN
Exactly Nikhol. We here in ‘the rear’ may not get the glory, but we are the only reason the heroes ever get where they are going in the end! We are the real heroes!
 
 NIKHOL
I think if you have slightly changed which hero needed which-
 
 POG
What about Thad Orin?
 
 FLAVIAN
I mean she might as well have been a god so I don’t think that counts.
 
 NIKHOL
But you don’t understand. I don’t want to be left out of the stories! I want people in the next generation to tell stories to their children about Nikhol Ashhorn, Hero of the Age.
 
 POG
[Sigh] There’s no talking to him is there.
 
 FLAVIAN
We were young once, Pogrim.
 
 POG
[muttering to himself] I mean if you do the calculations on affliction related population decline, there is no guarantee that civilized society will survive another generation.
 
 FLAVIAN
Well Nikhol, if you want to impress our new boss you are going to need to be bold! Confident! Willing to put yourself out there and take risks!

POG
I mean no one wants to talk about but we’ve already experienced near total urban collapse- cities abandoned all over the north hub.
 
 NIKHOL
How Jaggerz? How do I do it?
 
 POG
The only reason we can feed everyone on the remaining land is because there are so few of us left…
 
 FLAVIAN
It’s all about attitude, it’s all in the mind. If you believe that you are the best then other people will believe it too! Straighten your back!
 NIKHOL
Like this?
 
 FLAVIAN
And raise your chin a little, look down your nose at others just a little… no that's too much… you do need to be able to see the lesser beings.
 
 POG
Once our generation dies off, who is going to man the boundary and keep the wildland back? It’s all in the numbers right there for everyone to see… pretty obvious if you think about it…
 
 FLAVIAN
Okay now push your chest out and pull your shoulders back!
 
 POG
We really are all doomed…
 
 NIKHOL
How does that look?
 
 FLAVIAN
Just like that! Yes! Now! Look me right in the eye! Good that’s perfect
 
 POG
I am going to get a strong drink, lie down and keep drinking it until I slip into sweet oblivion
 
 [Leaves and slams the door]
 
 FLAVIAN
Now repeat after me, Nikhol Asshorn!
 
 NIKHOL
Ashorn…
 
 FLAVAIN
It’s whatever I said it was because I believe it more than you do! Now say it again Nikhol!
 
 NIKHOL
Asshorn?
 
 FLAVIAN
No Nikhol! Tell me who you are!
 
 NIKHOL
Nikhol Ashhorn!
 
 FLAVIAN
Again Nikhol!
 
 NIKHOL
I am NIKHOL ASHORN HERO OF THE AGE!
 
 FLAVIAN
One more time for the people in the cheap seats Nikhol!
 
 NIKHOL
I AM NIKHOL ASHORN HERO OF THE AGE!
 
 [Banging on the wall/floor]
 
 Landlord
I DON’T CARE WHO YOU ARE! KEEP IT DOWN!  

[Pause]
 
 FLAVIAN
I got chills my boy… chills… Pogrim what did you… oh… where did Pogrim get off to?
 

-------

[Ambient sounds of the wilderness. Footsteps on the gravel path.]

SHAIN:
This is going to be amazing Cinnte, I can feel it! I just know this is going to the -

CINNTE: 
(Sighs) Shain…Remember…it’s just… it's about the journey, not just the destination. 

SHAIN: 
(Excitedly) Ah, but think of the glory that awaits us in Lyndon! The people cheering our names!

CINNTE: 
(Chiding) Don't get your hopes too high... if… if something sounds too good…it…it probably is... right?… Not every story ends in... I just don’t want you to-…

SHAIN: 
(Mock whining) Ah, Cinnte, Let me enjoy this will you!  You always know how to bring a guy down. 

CINNTE:
  I’m trying to keep you grounded...which you desperately need!  Just yesterday you were ready to abandon the whole thing! When it comes to this stuff... You’re about as stable as an eddy in the Wyrdroi …please just… measure your expectations....please

NIKHOL:
 (Trying to sound cool) So, Addison, Nanda, did I ever tell you about the time I—

ADDISON:
 (Ignoring Nikhol, speaking to Nanda) —and that's why the strategic approach is essential.
 
 NANDA:
Quite so Ma’am.

NIKHOL:
 (Persisting) As I was saying, it was just me against—

NANDA: 
(Interrupting, clearly annoyed) Nikhol, maybe you should go cover our tracks. We wouldn't want any acolytes of the Unblinking Void tracking us, would we?

NIKHOL: 
(Deflated but eager to please) Yeah, of course, I can do that. No problem!

[Sounds of Nikhol moving away, rustling through bushes.]

NANDA:
I am a little concerned that we may be doing more harm than even ‘The Wound Between The Stars’ by letting this group loose on an unsuspecting town… we really don’t want to attract any unnecessary attention to ourselves...not after… perhaps we should play things more safely...

ADDISON:
You worry too much Nanda. A concerned citizen came and asked for our aid- we have simply motivated our heroes using some poetic….[looking for word]

NANDA:
Lies, Ma’am?

ADDISON:
License… Poetic License.

NANDA:
That’s what you said about the-

ADDISON:
That was completely different Nanda and the Peace Council has quite forgiven me for all that now…

NANDA:
Yes…[sigh] Yes Ma’am. Perhaps... we should not test that forgiveness too thoroughly...

ADDISON
Sometimes… sometimes Nanda… I wonder which one of us is supposed to be the-

NANDA
  [Interrupting] [Sigh] Ma’am. As Hullus ordained… For every De Ara… there must be a Nall…I have, as always, your back.

ADDISON
[Smiling] Good. Because!... [transitions into next scene]

----
 
 

______
ADDISON: 

And here we are, at their vile lair. Can you not just feel the evil emanating from this foul place?

SEILBH: 

Looks like cave.

NIKOL: 

I can feel it ma’am. Pure evil.

SHAIN: 

[hyped beyond all reason and comprehension] Yeah, yeah, yeah! Let’s go, let’s fucking go!

DEC: 

Yeeeeeeeeeees! YEEEEEEEEEEEES!

PHEATRA: 

[stage whisper] Keep it down! We don’t want to give away our posit…

ADDISON:

 MAGESLAYERS! FOOOOOOOOWARD!

Everyone:

 [cheering and charging]

CINNTE:

 There’s no one here…

ADDISON:

 Oh… erm…

———
 
GOTH TEENAGER: 

[stage whisper] It's in here. But be careful not to wake my dad!

HERALD 2: 

Wow, this room is super dark arts.

HEAD GOTH: 

Not bad. Not bad at all.

HERALD 1:

 Its okay I guess.

GOTH TEENAGER: 

Here it is! He thinks I don’t know where he hides it.

HERALD 1: 

Doesn’t look like much.

HEAD GOTH:

 Just a chunk of shiny black rock.

HERALD 2: 

I don’t know, I’m getting… like really bad vibes.

GOTH TEENAGER:

 I know right? Its all kinds of fucked.

HERALD 1:

 Its fucking nothing.

GOTH TEENAGER:

 Hey, don’t grab!

HERALD 1: 

Doesn’t even feel like anything. Its just a piece of black glass. Bet it breaks just as easily.

[sound of rock hitting wall]

HEAD GOTH:

 Fucking lame.

[sound of low droning, rising in volume]

HERALD 2:

 Is it humming?

GOTH TEENAGER:

 Its fucking floating!

HERALD 1: 

And glowing! This is full on dark ar…

[explosion]

----

Explosion nearby pulsing energy as beam shoots into sky
 
 
 

SHAIN:

 What the fuck was that?

SEILBH:

 Big green glow! Big green glow!

ADDISON: 

It's a sky beam… We have an honest to goodness glowing green sky beam! Look at that! It's parting the clouds!

PHEATRA:

 [amazed] It’s real…

CINNTE: 

It's a category 4! A fucking category fucking 4!

ADDISON: 

We may have been wrongfooted Mageslayers! But now is our finest hour! With me!

[more sounds of charging]

[magical explosion sounds and demonic roaring]

DEC: 

Look at the size of that thing!

SEILBH:

 Look at the size of mouth!

[demonic roar]

PHEATRA:

 Half the town is gone…

SHAIN:

 Face me you tentacled fuck!

[sounds of fighting]

ADDISON: 

Mageslayers! Formation Alpha Sigma Six!

NIKOL:

 What is Alpha Sigma Six?!

ADDISON: 

Twat the fuckery out of it! AAAAAAARGH

Everyone:

 [warcry]

[sounds of battle]

PHEATRA: 

[grunt of exertion] I’m in its mind! Lighting! It's weak to lighting!

CINNTE:

 [casting a spell] Incalgas tulrias! Lagoa trenost mastost!

[lightning strike, demon roar of pain]

ADDISON:

 Its teetering!

SEILBH:

 Throw me!

DEC: 

[grunt of exertion]

SEILBH: 

[blood crazed] I’M GONNA TAKE ITS EYES!

[disgusting squelch and thud. Demon whimper and then silence]

[cheering]

ADDISON: 

AAARGH! MY FOOT! IT CRUSHED MY FOOT!

[smash cut - same funeral dirge as first scene]

DEC: 

Its always the feet.

SEILBH: 

We have been cursed by foot god.

SHAIN:

 We were just about to get back to it too.

NIKOL:

 Why? What have we done to deserve this?!

[door opens]

ADDISON: 

Reports of my demise have been grossly exaggerated!

PHEATRA: 

You made it?

CINNTE: 

The way you were screaming we thought you were done.

FLAVIAN:

 I looked at it. It was just a twisted ankle.

ADDISON: 

Twisted by demon foulness! Indeed!

NANDA:

 Demon foulness ma’am.

NIKOL:

 So we did it? We’re back?

ADDISON: 

We did it! Apocalypse averted and there’s this…

SEILBH:

 Piece of black glass?

ADDISON: Artefact of evil.

CINNTE: 

Yeah… That’s a type 3 artifact at least. Can’t you feel it?

SEILBH:

 Feel normal.

CINNTE: 

You really shouldn’t touch that.

SEILBH: 

[slurp] Taste normal.

CINNTE:

 Oh my fuck!

ADDISON: 

Ha ha ha! Yes indeed! Mageslayers! We have a new task! To find the source of this foul evil that reduced half of this fair town to rubble and destroy it! The fate of the world may well depend on it!

SHAIN:

 Oh fuck yes!

DEC:

 Hah!

ADDISON: 

Mageslayers! With me! [crunch] Ow! My fucking ankle!

[smash cut to credits]