No Return
No Return: An Audio Drama by Kier Zhou
Enjoy yourself in the chaotic, fantastical world of "No Return," where the worldbuilding ambition rivals Robert Jordan, the humour channels Terry Pratchett and Douglas Adams, and the violence echoes Tom Sharpe—all wrapped in the indie punk aesthetic of a one man band making content on a laptop powered by a potato.
This full cast comedy fantasy spans a diverse array of tales:
- Clumsy Divine Quests: Join researchers on accidental divine missions.
- Mercenary Chaos: Witness comedic clashes between mercenaries and foreign warships.
- Eerie Mysteries: Delve into the haunting search for lost children.
- Ancient Secrets: Unearth treacherous truths in the Darklands.
- Sinister Plots: Navigate a city's dark underbelly filled with kidnappings and dark schemes.
- Ensemble Comedy of Errors: Dive into epic fantasy battles where magic and mayhem reign supreme.
- Actual Play: Follow the gripping saga of a burning city and the heroes fighting for its survival amidst chaos and intrigue. Told through a tightly edited TTRPG actual play.
And remember, for those seeking extra tales and behind-the-scenes magic, check out:
[https://patreon.com/NoReturnAD]
No Return
3: Mageslayers: It May Already Be too Late, Eunuch Boy!
The Mageslayers head to the ancient city of Reach in the Terrq'n Mountains to investigate their mysterious artefact!
Written by Kier Zhou and Jack Duncan
Addison De Ara - Laura Duncan
Shain Sotalach - Adam Robinson
Descartamelius (Dec) Go’orbulle - Dylan Smith
Nanda Nall- Justin Fife
Cinte Micheart- Gemma Maclean-Mair
Nikol Ashorn - Cameron Gergett
Phaetra Coi- Daniellelanois
Seilbh- Krissi Williams
Pogrim Pogglefield-Jack Duncan
Flavian (Jaggerz) Jagari- Girunduu
Librarian- Kier Zhou
Biksune Ree- Taylor Michaels
Sister Jiaomei- Lyssa Jay
ADDISON:
BEHOLD! Ascend your gaze to the lofty pinnacle of the Terrq'n mountain ranges, where the stoic and mighty mountain fortress of Reach crowns the Reach Plateau, standing sentinel between the Empire of Emedu and the Rimward lands.
[Addison’s voice fades into the background as the rest talk over her]
[the rest of the party struggling up the last part of the mountain pass breathing heavily and laboured]
CINNTE:
[breathing heavily] What… what is De Arra saying?
ADDISON:
A fortified city of yore, Reach, once the military heart of the Old Emeduan empire, a bulwark against the famished hordes that assailed its gates during the tragic Era of Tears, and a stalwart bastion that defied the Empire's own forces for a decade in the tumultuous Era of Accounting.
NANDA:
We have arrived.
ADDISON:
Gaze upon the ancient Emeduan architecture, the remnants of a once glorious imperial seat, now whispering tales of bygone eras through their decayed visage. Within these hallowed walls, the Uruk of Terrq have made their home, their hearts tempered by discipline and introspection, and their spirits imbued with the beauty, grace, and power of the poetry, song, and theatre that pervade the very air of this monastic fortress.
SHAIN:
[panting] maybe… if she carried her own equipment… she wouldn’t have so much breath to talk out her arse!
ADDISON:
Tread softly, dear wanderer, as you enter the hallowed halls of the Third Greatest Library in the North Hub, the Second Greatest still standing, and the First of its kind to grant access to the curious and the studious. Here, knowledge flows like the mighty rivers, and wisdom resonates in the quietest of corners. This revered repository of knowledge is rivalled only by the Imperial Library of Sada Emedu, accessible solely to the Emeduan Royal family.
DEC:
[breathing totally fine] These baubles?! Paper is not heavy!
PHAETRA:
Not heavy?! She brought… a library… to a city famous for its library…
[putting down Lif who he has also been carrying]
DEC:
you can climb down Little Lif…
LIF:
Squishy and slow… so easy to kill…
ADDISON:
In this haven of art and learning resides the enigmatic and beloved bard, Gorluk the Inspired, a maestro who breathed new life into the Saga of Thadene Orillian and rekindled the flame of passion for the classics. Though deemed a reprobate by the standards of the Terrq'n and a frequent resident of the Reach Prison, their talent and charm have birthed an endearing tradition: the annual pardon of this wayward minstrel.
CINNTE:
You carried her and her equipment the whole way…
PHAETRA:
Are you kidding me? Why the hell does she get a personal mule?!
LIF:
[makes cat like hissing sound]
ADDISON:
So, come forth, weary travellers, and step into the hallowed realm of the Mountain Keep of the Uruk of Terrq! Immerse yourself in the enchanting fusion of the warrior's spirit and the divine craft of storytelling, and let your soul be forever transformed within the embrace of the greatest bards and warriors of the North Hub. Let the legends of Reach be etched into the annals of time, a testament to the unyielding spirit and the transcendent beauty that flourish in this remarkable citadel
DEC:
She don’t travel good in the light… makes her si-
LIF:
No! Is secret silly mule!
[Addison’s voice back in the fore]
ADDISON:
What do you think Nanda? Stirring? Inspiring?
NANDA:
As illuminating as it was succinct ma’am.
ADDISON:
Oh Nanda, so kind as always.
SHAIN:
Why didn’t we travel with Pogrim and Flavian? They hired coaches… Why can’t we have coaches?
NANDA:
Inflation.
ADDISON:
No such nonsense Nanda! This is… this is all part of their training! There is no victory without strife, without struggle! Surely, was it not Kingalius the Bold who said…
SHAIN:
Right… yeah and the beer is all the sweeter…What was all that about the greatest warriors in the North? I’m here now and I’m twice the fighter of any Uruk.
CINNTE:
Well… they love to duel here… one of the few places it’s legal… why don’t you prove it?
NANDA:
Might I remind you all that you are emissaries of the Budan Peace Council and that street brawling is not something-
LIF:
then why we take off seals?
NANDA:
Excuse me?
LIF:
before we leave… you say… take off seals… no one know we are Mageslayers.
NANDA:
because…
ADDISON:
because you must earn them! A symbol so revered and cherished is not worn lightly!
PHAETRA:
so… are we emissaries or…
DEC:
I’m not a messisary… I put my uniform on all neat and my shoes on the right feet…
LIF:
Not true…
DEC:
Yes I… Huh, isn’t that a thing. They do get away from me sometimes.
ADDISON:
Onward! [turning to walk away before turning back to the group]
But hark! A shadow erm, shadows our steps! Who be this figure of dire countenance and shabby ugly demeanour! And what foul business be he about!
PHAETRA:
what? Who? I didn’t see anybody
ADDISON:
Mageslayers! Ready yourselves!
NANDA:
The Ranger, Nikhol. Our guide.
NIKHOL:
Lordess De Ara…I’ve…actually been standing right next to you this whole time… I ummm really liked the bit about Gorluk The Wayward Minstrel he seems like a-
ADDISON:
Nanda… who is this man and why does he smell of night soil?
NANDA:
Nikhol Ashhorn… our ranger and guide… as for the odour…
NIKHOL:
oh! Sorry![sniffing self] I ummm… scouted the path ahead the whole way here…. Remember…I’ve been travelling forward and backwards to update you on the route and threats to the party… I’ve been sleeping wild for a week and haven’t had time to…
ADDISON:
Oh yes… I recall something of the… [turning back to group] Another mystery solved! This foolish man-boy has been scouting for us in one of the most well-patrolled locations in all the North Hub!
[begrudging laughter from the MS]
NIKHOL:
but you just said…
ADDISON:
ONWARD MAGESLAYERS! This mystical artefact will not research itself!
[walking away]
CINNTE:
[sigh] at least it’s flat now…
SHAIN:
Jaggerz and Pog have better gotten us comfortable digs my arse is killing me.
DEC:
my mum said that happens if you play with it too much…
SHAIN:
I haven’t been playing with my-
LIF:
yes… is same saying in my homeland.
DEC:
Kingsland?
LIF:
[reciting] A finger in the bum is lots of fun, but do it too much and you will be consumed by gorgons and made into soup. [stopping reciting] It rhymes in Landish.
SHAIN:
what the fuck are you…
PHAETRA:
ignore them… I’m sure we’ve got a palatial suite after all of-
NANDA:
each of you have been provided shared rooms at a reasonably priced tavern…
SHAIN:
[despondent] Shared…Room
CINNTE:
[despondent] Reasonably…Priced
DEC:
Tavern! Let’s go! [picks up Lif and sprints]
LIF:
[Surprised and excited sound as she is carried away]
NANDA:
Breakfast oats are included but guests must provide their own milk and honey
--------
2. The entire group meets the monks of Celis, who are in town for the purpose of requesting permission to set up a new monastery.
POG:
Its heaving!
FLAVIAN:
Wasn’t like this yesterday…
POG:
De Ara wanted somewhere quiet. Somewhere we could lay low.
FLAVIAN:
Well… it was…who are all these weirdos? Tatty robes, gaunt sallow skin. Expressions as if you just shat in their mum’s kettle. Gotta be religious loons.
POG:
[nostalgic]: In lands of shadow they wear a sunlight sneer…
FLAVIAN:
What was that Pog?
POG:
Nothing Jaggerz… just something my old mentor used to say… I know who they are…
FLAVIAN:
Trouble?
POG:
No… hardly… Brothers, Sisters and Sanghas from the Nymphaeum at Celis…
FLAVIAN:
The place that blew up?
POG:
Or so people say… Is that? Sangha Ree? Is that you?
FLAVIAN:
Oh, right… is that how it is? I am just a vehicle for context now… no character development for old Flavian… I’ll just fade into the background shall I? [fading out] I actually have a lot going on you know.
REE:
Brother Pogrim! You are a sight for sore eyes!
POG:
It’s just Pogrim now, Sangha…
FLAVIAN:
[Even quieter] A deep inner life and history! My wife and I met as children among the ruins of the orphanage we were kidnapped by.
REE:
Of course… and it’s Biksune now…
POG:
Well look at you! Mr big tits indeed!
FLAVIAN:
[Barely audible] She died in my arms, muttering prayers to a god no wise man can identify.
REE:
Well… I hardly earned it… many of the seniors and elders…
POG:
I… I heard about the…accident… [makes the sound of an explosion slowly with his mouth]
FLAVIAN:
[Faded almost completely] I am currently bound by six separate blood oaths!
REE:
Quite. But accident… is that what people are calling it? I’m so sorry Pog we’ve only just reunited and here I am waxing melancholic! Let us grab a tea and tell me all about what you have been up to since you left us.
[Pans to Flavian, dreamlike ambience rising as he speaks]
FLAVIAN:
What? What am I supposed to do now they’ve left the scene? Did you folks like the stuff about my wife and my many oaths? It’s good right? Rich in lore and conflict. It actually ties into all that stuff that went down with that Orillian lot. Interconnected universe you see. I didn’t even get into the bit about my brother and how I became a barber! Now there’s a tale worthy of an audio…
[dreamlike ambience abruptly stops]
LIF:
Jag?
FLAVIAN:
Hmm? What?
LIF:
Who you talk to? Eyes not focus… no see us come ? Just talking to self…
FLAVIAN:
Oh…. I don’t know… I must have been in some sort of reverie…
DEC:
I only know the Gol and the Darjo… never heard of the River Ree…
LIF:
Must be local…
ADDISON:
Flavian! My good man, there you are! Oh and you have the artefact in your hands in a busy public venue! Fantastic, that will certainly provide narrative justification for plot advancing conflict later on…
FLAVIAN:
[bewildered] How did I get hold of this? I don’t remember taking it from…
ADDISON:
Ah! Perhaps good old fashion foreshadowing instead! Or were you developing your character perhaps? Filling in backstory? We haven’t seen much from you yet! Does our friendly barber have hidden depths?
FLAVIAN:
I.. well you see… My wife and I…
ADDISON:
Ha ha ha! Incredible! A wife for the barber! What imagination you have! [pause] Which way to the rooms Flavian?
FLAVIAN:
Ummm…Ummm… upstairs… I’ll follow you up…I’ll just put this back in pog’s travel case…
[Addison goes up the stairs]
NANDA:
This is your idea of discreet, Flavian?
FLAVIAN:
[irritated] Discretion? Shall we have a chat about discretion Mr Nall… Pog and I tried to use our Council chits to replenish our supplies … we were told that the apothecary, and emporium accounts had been suspended over a tenday ago…
NANDA:
It must be an administrative error Barber Jagari. Likely inflation is to blame again. I will look into finding you a supplier, we can’t have our healer without adequate supplies now can we…but… I of course… appreciate your discretion…
FLAVIAN:
I thought you might… and I appreciate your patience with my occasional poor accounting of said supplies… [change of tone to less conspiratorial] don’t worry about this lot… bunch of monks and nuns or something… shouldn’t cause any trouble…
[Pans to Shain]
SHAIN:
Hey beautiful…you look like you could use a…
[sangha walks away]
SHAIN:
Hey there sweetheart… is it true what they say ‘saints in robes, devils in heart?’ ‘Angelic faces, hiding demonic graces’, right? Come and get a drink with me…
[another scoffs and walks away]
CINNTE:
You know they have taken a vow of celibacy, right?
SHAIN:
Exactly! A drought-stricken land, thirsty for rain!
PHAETRA:
And you smell like shit…
SHAIN:
What?!
PHAETRA:
Their thoughts not mine…
SHAIN:
[offended] They don’t smell like flowers of dawn themselves!
PHAETRA:
I don’t think their minds are on tending to the gardens of desire… [some sort of mind reading sfx]… something terrible happened to them… they lost their home… they… well… [does a sound of an explosion with her mouth]
[pans to another room with Pog and Ree drinking tea]
POG:
Ah! So that’s why you are all here!
REE:
Yes… we are hoping the Kurultai will allow us to set up here and continue our research… but of course they would have to cede lands to us and the Peace Council has been next to useless… but what about you Pog?
POG:
Well… I ummm… I work for a small group… I do a little bit of design work but mostly I am the QM… Quartermaster…
REE:
You? A blanket stacker? Surely, you’d lose your mind!
POG:
I still get to tinker a bit! And you know, I still test and research… we actually found this very interesting artefact just recently…we were hoping to find out a little bit about it…but its all very hush hush at the minute.
REE:
Pogrim, I say this as a friend, but your eyebrows have grown back completely. When was the last time something exploded in your face.
POG:
[sighing deeply] It has been a while my friend…
[Shift to Nikhol flirting with one of the Celis delegations]
NIKHOL:
Yeah…yeah…it’s actually pretty cool but I can’t really talk about it
Sister/Brother:
[flirty] Oooh! You’re so mysterious…
NIKHOL:
Oooo! I wanna tell you so bad!
SHAIN:
How is he doing better than me!? He’s the B team!
CINNTE:
and he smells even worse than you…
LIF:
You are fragile weak child inside and woman can sense.
SHAIN:
What did you say to me!?
DEC:
That’s not fair Lif!
SHAIN:
Exactly! Its…
DEC:
Men and animals can sense too… and children! Look!
[Sound of children jeering]
SHAIN:
Fuck off you crotch goblins!
[back to Nikhol and the sister/brother…the party argue in the background]
NIKHOL:
Let me just go and get myself clean and clean my clothes…I’ll be right back… I wanna hear more about your work. It sounds fascinating!
Sister/Brother:
Oh! I could clean that for you…
NIKHOL:
I couldn’t ask you to do that, its far too much trouble…
Sister/Brother:
[Smiling] you don’t know much about our order do you? Close your eyes…
NIKHOL:
[very flirty] Okay but I’m trusting you!
Sister/Brother:
[little giggle] You can trust me![Begins magical incantation in whisper] Glanáil dúlra, lanhau pridd, glanáil dúlra, lanhau pridd, glanáil dúlra, lanhau pridd.
LIF:
DAEMON!
[runs and tackles Nikhol]
NIKHOL:
Lif! What are you!? Oof!
[Draws blade]
LIF:
thought you can sneak and hurt our useless ranger witch!? Our weak wandering man-boy?! Try pick off weak!? I will take your eyes!
NIKHOL:
[getting up and hurting a little] Where did this man-boy thing come from? Lif she was just cleaning my clothes…see!
LIF:
Quick! Take them off! Soon they will strangle and remove your manhood! IT MAY ALREADY BE TOO LATE EUNUCH-BOY!
[Sounds of Lif and Nikhol struggling over his clothes]
LIF:
I am try to save you!
NIKHOL:
Please Lif! Stop!
Sister/Brother:
Your friends are real weird.
[incipit Nanda sounds of chaos continue in background]
NANDA:
Cinnte. Lordess De Ara would like you to meet them at the Library. I assume you know where it is… perhaps… allow those less suited to academic pursuits to remain behind… lest they… slow down our progress…
CINNTE:
I am more worried about what will happen if we leave them here on their own.
[loud whistle]
CINNTE:
DEC! Break them up! Sheilib! For the 100th time, magic is totally normal! Everyone except Dec, Sheilib and Shain make your way to the library! Start moving!
SHAIN:
Who made you boss!?
CINNTE:
Just following orders Shain!
SHAIN:
Well I am coming too!
CINNTE:
Really don’t care! Where is Pog?
PHAETRA:
[mind reading sounds] He’s in the back room…with ‘a friend’… his mind is racing… They’re discussing… eyebrows? I’d leave him be.
CINNTE:
Also don’t care about the QM’s eyebrows! He can stay and babysit. Let’s move everyone!
----
POG:
Did you…ever consider following me?
REE:
I think you know I did… but the work we are doing is too important to indulge in selfish…
POG:
Selfish? That’s hardly fair.
REE:
I didn’t mean…
POG:
We only get one go round Ree…
REE:
And are you happier now? Without…us… without me
----
Lif and Dec playing cards and drinking
LIF:
They leave us alone is a den of snakes Dec! All of them are casters! All of them!
DEC:
They seem okay to me Lif. Maybe these ones are the good casters!
LIF:
No such thing as good caster…only dead caster… Even they not stay dead always. Got to cut out teeth and manhood. Why the people of Reach let them in? Hmmm?
DEC:
I dunno…maybe [uncharacteristically fluent] because of article 8 section 9 of the Treaty Of Budan which requires signatory nations to render aid when the Nymphaeum’s Neutrality is threatened… [back to dumb] or something… I don’t know.
LIF:
No! They have taken mind Dec! You are bewitched!
DEC:
What? Nah, something in school wasn’t it? I mean, I didn’t go to orient but I used to listen at the window so I knew when to throw bricks at the teachers.
LIF:
[spits] Teachers almost as bad as casters. But you were just saying they are good casters…. When we know they are evil! They have power over you!
DEC:
Oh gods! You are right! I did say that!
LIF:
We must watch close and see how to break the curse… free the people of Reach from these invaders!
DEC:
Okay! Let’s watch really close! Shall I get another beer?
LIF:
Many beers and hog leg… we will be here long time…
---
ADDISON:
WELCOME ALL TO THE-
LIBRARIAN:
Shhhh!
ADDISON:
Shush?! Nanda…was I just shushed?
NANDA:
Yes Ma’am, shushed…
ADDISON:
By whom?
NANDA:
Who shushed Lordess De Ara?! Come on now…out with it…[raises voice] IT WILL BE EASIER ON ALL OF US IF-
LIBRARIAN:
SHHHHHH!
NANDA:
It appears I am now being shushed Lordess De Ara…
LIBRARIAN:
This is a place of study and quiet contemplation… you must be quiet or I will be forced to evict you from the grounds!
SHAIN:
[sound of blade being drawn] I’ll deal with this.
ADDISON:
Ten points to Shain.
CINNTE:
Are we still doing that?
ADDISON:
You are falling behind, Cinnte. Am I right, Nanda?
NANDA:
Quite right, Ma’am.
ADDISON:
You don’t want Shain to earn all the fabulous prizes do you?
CINNTE:
As if I care… Wait, Shain’s beating me?
SHAIN:
Listen here you wrinkled green belly bi-
[Shain’s hands crack as she puts him in a thumb lock]
SHAIN:
Ow! Ow! Ow!
LIBRARIAN:
You are to speak in hushed tones unless singing, do you understand me?
ADDISON: [hushed to Nanda]
That of course is a twenty-point deduction.
NANDA:
Twenty-Points, Ma’am.
SHAIN:
[Hands release] Ah! She used some stupid finger lock! That can’t be fair!
LIBRARIAN:
Shhh!
PHAETRA:
Did you say unless singing?
LIBRARIAN:
Including rhythmic poetry.
SHAIN:
You were only joking about the twenty-points though, right?
ADDISON:
Hmmm… I am not sure we are far enough into the story for a musical number… and I have a feeling that these heroes may not have the voices for it…
NIKHOL:
[Angelic singing] Whererererererere arerererererere the books on magic macguffins?
CINNTE:
Wow
PHAETRA:
Wow
FLAVIAN:
Wow
LIBRARIAN:
2nd door on the left.
ADDISON:
20 Points to Nikhol.
NANDA:
Twenty-points Ma’am.
SHAIN:
WHAT!?
NIKHOL:
YES!
ADDISON:
Minus the eunuch-boy penalty.
NIKHOL:
How did you hear about… I’m not a eunuch-boy!
NANDA:
Minus 30 points to Nikhol.
[knuckles crack as Shain put in a thumb lock again]
SHAIN:
Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! This! Is! Not! A fair! Fight!
LIBRARIAN:
Final warning. Squishy. Whispers or song!
PHAETRA:
Or rhythmic poetry…
LIBRARIAN:
Or rhythmic poetry…
SHAIN:
I’ll whisper…I’ll whisper…
FLAVIAN:
I’d really like to hear him sing….
SHAIN:
No [knuckles cracking] OooooooooOOOOOOOOoooooooOOOOOOO
PHAETRA:
Such a beautiful voice.
NANDA:
Another twenty, Lordess de Ara?
ADDISON:
Of course.
NANDA:
Twenty-Points, Ma’am.
ADDISON:
With me companions! Knowledge!
LIBRARIAN:
Sssssh
ADDISON:
[whispering] Awaits…
---
2. Seilbh, upset by the monks' presence in Reach, steals and destroys the Bikram’s symbol of office, mistakenly believing she has liberated the people.
BIKRHAM:
Brothers and Sisters, Sangha and Biksune. It is not good news I am afraid. The Reach Kurultai have rejected our third proposal to open a new centre of research and study… [sounds of despondent crowd] we are running very low on funds and will soon have to consider letting a number of you go [fading out]
LIF:
You see what they all carry?
DEC:
[Drunk/slurring] a deep and abiding sadness… We are one, they and I… Lif, I have to tell you the truth…
LIF:
No silly thick headed dumb dumb. The things around the waist…
DEC:
[still slurring] Signs of malnourishment and a road hard travelled?
LIF:
Some bronze, some silver the one who talks… his is gold… chain around the body with a big fat piece of metal on the end.
DEC:
[slurring badly] how come you aren’t drunk?
LIF:
I very drunk…very…very drunk… See.
DEC:
Did you just do a backflip?
LIF:
Not important! They are the mind control! I know it!
DEC:
the four people talking with the gold chain?
LIF:
there is only…. There are…. [focussing] they use evil magic to make more now…I think… now there are four but I think only should be one…
DEC:
Maybe we are too drunk to save Reach… maybe we should sleep and save it tomorrow? And Lif, I really need to tell you…
LIF:
I think is easy…. The heavy thing on end of chain look easy to break.
DEC:
but they all have one! It will take ages to break them all!
LIF:
you no want to break things? You are very drunk!
DEC:
that’s what I said, isn’t it?
LIF:
No. I said it.
DEC:
when?
LIF:
Just now.
DEC:
okay. So I’ll start breaking everything then?…now?
LIF:
wait! Maybe we only need break one! Gold is bigger than silver and bronze, right?
DEC:
bigger?
LIF:
bigger money, bigger trouble, bigger happy, no? Bar man always happier when give him gold.
DEC:
oh right yeah…
LIF:
so maybe just break the gold one from the talky devil man! Then big happy, and barman give hog leg.
———-
[sounds of flicking through pages and getting down books]
FLAVIAN:
this is going to take forever…
PHAETRA:
it will if all you can think about is your next beer!
FLAVIAN:
I thought you could read minds. I would have you know I was actually thinking about my missing son and his prophesied destiny. When my wife and I…
LIBRARIAN:
Ssssh
CINNTE:
[stage whisper] You don’t need to read minds to see it on your face Jaggerz.
FLAVIAN:
[stage whisper] I don’t even know why I’m here. I’ve got a haircut and a tooth extraction scheduled for noon…
CINNTE:
You know that this is supposed to be your main job, right?
FLAVIAN:
Look! Until you lot get injured or need a new hairdo, I’ve nothing! Best to keep my hand in, right? Or do you want a rusty barber working on you when it matters?
PHAETRA:
I’m sure you can help us sift some of these books, in the mean time….
FLAVIAN:
Abracadabra Artifacts: A Collector's Compendium", "Amulets & Antics: The Lighter Side of Enchanted Jewelry", "Bewitching Baubles: A Guide to Giggles and Grimoires", “Corpses and Copses: a spore druid’s primer”…
CINNTE:
you’re making those up…
FLAVIAN:
The One Ring-a-Ding: The Untold Comedy of La Tari’s Most Peculiar Power"
Pheatra;
he’s pulled them from the fiction section…
CINNTE:
seriously?
FLAVIAN:
How the hell can you tell which section is which?
PHAETRA:
Now you mention it… this place does feel very…
CINNTE:
Disorganised?
PHAETRA:
Random…
[switch to Shain staring intently at the cover and concentrating with a soft growl]
NANDA:
come on now… sound out the words…
SHAIN:
I can read it…
NANDA:
well the contents aren’t going to just jump into your mind, have you tried opening the tome?
SHAIN:
funny…
NANDA:
what is it?
SHAIN:
It’s titled: The Ogone [pronounced Ah-gon]. I don’t know where I’ve heard it before but it sounds familiar.
NANDA:
ah, the artefact the Kabouters found out in the East. The one that powers all their devices and contraptions.
SHAIN:
Dunno… but the picture on the front. Also looks very familiar…
NANDA:
hmmmm so it does… it’s a different colour and shape but it does bare a resemblance to our artifact… throw it in the maybe pile… or… perhaps read it…
SHAIN:
I could have taken her, you know?
NANDA:
pardon?
SHAIN:
The librarian… I could have taken her but then we’d have all been thrown out… I was just thinking of the team…
NANDA:
very…good?
SHAIN:
It’s just… sometimes I feel like you all don’t respect me you know.
[silence]
NANDA:
Would you like one of your points back?
SHAIN:
[surprisingly vulnerable] That would be nice, thanks Nanda.
ADDISON:
anything of note yet?
NANDA:
our fighter has something for the maybe pile…
ADDISON:
excellent! So that makes 200 no’s 1 maybe and 0 yeses! A few more days and we may have something!
CINNTE:
I have some stuff in Keteli that talks about the magical properties of shiny rocks!
ADDISON:
and our maybe pile grows! We are positively swimming in ambiguity!
NIKHOL:
I found some stuff about objects used for summoning [sounding out word] Ne-ther-en creatures?
ADDISON:
the monstrosity Lif killed might well be a netheren! Ten more points to Nikhol!
SHAIN:
WHAT?! I killed it the most!!! And my book has pictures!! I want my points!!!
—————
REE:
So! Don’t keep me in suspense… what was this artifact you found? Maybe I could help you identify it.
POG:
It’s in my travel case… upstairs…
REE:
Pogrim… you are out of practice… buy me dinner first
POG:
No no no no! I can go and get it I just meant!
REE:
[laughing] still so easy to tease!
——-
[sounds of Bikrham’s speech continuing as Lif sneaks around she unhooks the chain stands up and smashes it, the crowd go into shocked silence]
LIF:
[whispering to self conspiratorially as she approaches her target] Nearly there…stupid caster…can’t hear me talk to self…so stupid… evil magic gold thingy thing is…[snatches the chain and amulet from Bikrham’s waist] MINE!
BIKRHAM:
What are you doing?!
LIF:
[drunkenly and excitedly] The People of Reach! You are free! These evil [hiccup] mages power is broken! Rise up! Save yourselves! Your golden chains of mind magic are broken!
[Smashes the amulet]
[silence]
DEC:
Woooooooo! We saved Reach!
Sangha:
[magical spell charging] Gwthio Pŵer!
[Lif is knocked to the ground]
LIF:
Ooof!
DEC:
[Gasp]Lif! Lif! Do a backflip!
LIF:
I can’t he has stolen my back!
BIKRHAM:
Now everyone! Calm down!
DEC:
Combat?
BIKRHAM:
Please there is no need for…
LIF:
COMBAT!
DEC:
ARGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!
LIF & DEC: [Adlib battle sounds and one liners]
[sounds of chairs and tables being flipped and thrown and fighting commencing… followed by the sounds of spells being cast and small explosions]
Episode 2
ADDISON:
BEHOLD! Ascend your gaze to the lofty pinnacle of the Terrq'n mountain ranges, where the stoic and mighty mountain fortress of Reach crowns the Reach Plateau, standing sentinel between the Empire of Emedu and the Rimward lands.
[Addison’s voice fades into the background as the rest talk over her]
[the rest of the party struggling up the last part of the mountain pass breathing heavily and laboured]
CINNTE:
[breathing heavily] What… what is De Arra saying?
ADDISON:
A fortified city of yore, Reach, once the military heart of the Old Emeduan empire, a bulwark against the famished hordes that assailed its gates during the tragic Era of Tears, and a stalwart bastion that defied the Empire's own forces for a decade in the tumultuous Era of Accounting.
NANDA:
We have arrived.
ADDISON:
Gaze upon the ancient Emeduan architecture, the remnants of a once glorious imperial seat, now whispering tales of bygone eras through their decayed visage. Within these hallowed walls, the Uruk of Terrq have made their home, their hearts tempered by discipline and introspection, and their spirits imbued with the beauty, grace, and power of the poetry, song, and theatre that pervade the very air of this monastic fortress.
SHAIN:
[panting] maybe… if she carried her own equipment… she wouldn’t have so much breath to talk out her arse!
ADDISON:
Tread softly, dear wanderer, as you enter the hallowed halls of the Third Greatest Library in the North Hub, the Second Greatest still standing, and the First of its kind to grant access to the curious and the studious. Here, knowledge flows like the mighty rivers, and wisdom resonates in the quietest of corners. This revered repository of knowledge is rivalled only by the Imperial Library of Sada Emedu, accessible solely to the Emeduan Royal family.
DEC:
[breathing totally fine] These baubles?! Paper is not heavy!
PHAETRA:
Not heavy?! She brought… a library… to a city famous for its library…
[putting down Lif who he has also been carrying]
DEC:
you can climb down Little Lif…
LIF:
Squishy and slow… so easy to kill…
ADDISON:
In this haven of art and learning resides the enigmatic and beloved bard, Gorluk the Inspired, a maestro who breathed new life into the Saga of Thadene Orillian and rekindled the flame of passion for the classics. Though deemed a reprobate by the standards of the Terrq'n and a frequent resident of the Reach Prison, their talent and charm have birthed an endearing tradition: the annual pardon of this wayward minstrel.
CINNTE:
You carried her and her equipment the whole way…
PHAETRA:
Are you kidding me? Why the hell does she get a personal mule?!
LIF:
[makes cat like hissing sound]
ADDISON:
So, come forth, weary travellers, and step into the hallowed realm of the Mountain Keep of the Uruk of Terrq! Immerse yourself in the enchanting fusion of the warrior's spirit and the divine craft of storytelling, and let your soul be forever transformed within the embrace of the greatest bards and warriors of the North Hub. Let the legends of Reach be etched into the annals of time, a testament to the unyielding spirit and the transcendent beauty that flourish in this remarkable citadel
DEC:
She don’t travel good in the light… makes her si-
LIF:
No! Is secret silly mule!
[Addison’s voice back in the fore]
ADDISON:
What do you think Nanda? Stirring? Inspiring?
NANDA:
As illuminating as it was succinct ma’am.
ADDISON:
Oh Nanda, so kind as always.
SHAIN:
Why didn’t we travel with Pogrim and Flavian? They hired coaches… Why can’t we have coaches?
NANDA:
Inflation.
ADDISON:
No such nonsense Nanda! This is… this is all part of their training! There is no victory without strife, without struggle! Surely, was it not Kingalius the Bold who said…
SHAIN:
Right… yeah and the beer is all the sweeter…What was all that about the greatest warriors in the North? I’m here now and I’m twice the fighter of any Uruk.
CINNTE:
Well… they love to duel here… one of the few places it’s legal… why don’t you prove it?
NANDA:
Might I remind you all that you are emissaries of the Budan Peace Council and that street brawling is not something-
LIF:
then why we take off seals?
NANDA:
Excuse me?
LIF:
before we leave… you say… take off seals… no one know we are Mageslayers.
NANDA:
because…
ADDISON:
because you must earn them! A symbol so revered and cherished is not worn lightly!
PHAETRA:
so… are we emissaries or…
DEC:
I’m not a messisary… I put my uniform on all neat and my shoes on the right feet…
LIF:
Not true…
DEC:
Yes I… Huh, isn’t that a thing. They do get away from me sometimes.
ADDISON:
Onward! [turning to walk away before turning back to the group]
But hark! A shadow erm, shadows our steps! Who be this figure of dire countenance and shabby ugly demeanour! And what foul business be he about!
PHAETRA:
what? Who? I didn’t see anybody
ADDISON:
Mageslayers! Ready yourselves!
NANDA:
The Ranger, Nikhol. Our guide.
NIKHOL:
Lordess De Ara…I’ve…actually been standing right next to you this whole time… I ummm really liked the bit about Gorluk The Wayward Minstrel he seems like a-
ADDISON:
Nanda… who is this man and why does he smell of night soil?
NANDA:
Nikhol Ashhorn… our ranger and guide… as for the odour…
NIKHOL:
oh! Sorry![sniffing self] I ummm… scouted the path ahead the whole way here…. Remember…I’ve been travelling forward and backwards to update you on the route and threats to the party… I’ve been sleeping wild for a week and haven’t had time to…
ADDISON:
Oh yes… I recall something of the… [turning back to group] Another mystery solved! This foolish man-boy has been scouting for us in one of the most well-patrolled locations in all the North Hub!
[begrudging laughter from the MS]
NIKHOL:
but you just said…
ADDISON:
ONWARD MAGESLAYERS! This mystical artefact will not research itself!
[walking away]
CINNTE:
[sigh] at least it’s flat now…
SHAIN:
Jaggerz and Pog have better gotten us comfortable digs my arse is killing me.
DEC:
my mum said that happens if you play with it too much…
SHAIN:
I haven’t been playing with my-
LIF:
yes… is same saying in my homeland.
DEC:
Kingsland?
LIF:
[reciting] A finger in the bum is lots of fun, but do it too much and you will be consumed by gorgons and made into soup. [stopping reciting] It rhymes in Landish.
SHAIN:
what the fuck are you…
PHAETRA:
ignore them… I’m sure we’ve got a palatial suite after all of-
NANDA:
each of you have been provided shared rooms at a reasonably priced tavern…
SHAIN:
[despondent] Shared…Room
CINNTE:
[despondent] Reasonably…Priced
DEC:
Tavern! Let’s go! [picks up Lif and sprints]
LIF:
[Surprised and excited sound as she is carried away]
NANDA:
Breakfast oats are included but guests must provide their own milk and honey
--------
2. The entire group meets the monks of Celis, who are in town for the purpose of requesting permission to set up a new monastery.
POG:
Its heaving!
FLAVIAN:
Wasn’t like this yesterday…
POG:
De Ara wanted somewhere quiet. Somewhere we could lay low.
FLAVIAN:
Well… it was…who are all these weirdos? Tatty robes, gaunt sallow skin. Expressions as if you just shat in their mum’s kettle. Gotta be religious loons.
POG:
[nostalgic]: In lands of shadow they wear a sunlight sneer…
FLAVIAN:
What was that Pog?
POG:
Nothing Jaggerz… just something my old mentor used to say… I know who they are…
FLAVIAN:
Trouble?
POG:
No… hardly… Brothers, Sisters and Sanghas from the Nymphaeum at Celis…
FLAVIAN:
The place that blew up?
POG:
Or so people say… Is that? Sangha Ree? Is that you?
FLAVIAN:
Oh, right… is that how it is? I am just a vehicle for context now… no character development for old Flavian… I’ll just fade into the background shall I? [fading out] I actually have a lot going on you know.
REE:
Brother Pogrim! You are a sight for sore eyes!
POG:
It’s just Pogrim now, Sangha…
FLAVIAN:
[Even quieter] A deep inner life and history! My wife and I met as children among the ruins of the orphanage we were kidnapped by.
REE:
Of course… and it’s Biksune now…
POG:
Well look at you! Mr big tits indeed!
FLAVIAN:
[Barely audible] She died in my arms, muttering prayers to a god no wise man can identify.
REE:
Well… I hardly earned it… many of the seniors and elders…
POG:
I… I heard about the…accident… [makes the sound of an explosion slowly with his mouth]
FLAVIAN:
[Faded almost completely] I am currently bound by six separate blood oaths!
REE:
Quite. But accident… is that what people are calling it? I’m so sorry Pog we’ve only just reunited and here I am waxing melancholic! Let us grab a tea and tell me all about what you have been up to since you left us.
[Pans to Flavian, dreamlike ambience rising as he speaks]
FLAVIAN:
What? What am I supposed to do now they’ve left the scene? Did you folks like the stuff about my wife and my many oaths? It’s good right? Rich in lore and conflict. It actually ties into all that stuff that went down with that Orillian lot. Interconnected universe you see. I didn’t even get into the bit about my brother and how I became a barber! Now there’s a tale worthy of an audio…
[dreamlike ambience abruptly stops]
LIF:
Jag?
FLAVIAN:
Hmm? What?
LIF:
Who you talk to? Eyes not focus… no see us come ? Just talking to self…
FLAVIAN:
Oh…. I don’t know… I must have been in some sort of reverie…
DEC:
I only know the Gol and the Darjo… never heard of the River Ree…
LIF:
Must be local…
ADDISON:
Flavian! My good man, there you are! Oh and you have the artefact in your hands in a busy public venue! Fantastic, that will certainly provide narrative justification for plot advancing conflict later on…
FLAVIAN:
[bewildered] How did I get hold of this? I don’t remember taking it from…
ADDISON:
Ah! Perhaps good old fashion foreshadowing instead! Or were you developing your character perhaps? Filling in backstory? We haven’t seen much from you yet! Does our friendly barber have hidden depths?
FLAVIAN:
I.. well you see… My wife and I…
ADDISON:
Ha ha ha! Incredible! A wife for the barber! What imagination you have! [pause] Which way to the rooms Flavian?
FLAVIAN:
Ummm…Ummm… upstairs… I’ll follow you up…I’ll just put this back in pog’s travel case…
[Addison goes up the stairs]
NANDA:
This is your idea of discreet, Flavian?
FLAVIAN:
[irritated] Discretion? Shall we have a chat about discretion Mr Nall… Pog and I tried to use our Council chits to replenish our supplies … we were told that the apothecary, and emporium accounts had been suspended over a tenday ago…
NANDA:
It must be an administrative error Barber Jagari. Likely inflation is to blame again. I will look into finding you a supplier, we can’t have our healer without adequate supplies now can we…but… I of course… appreciate your discretion…
FLAVIAN:
I thought you might… and I appreciate your patience with my occasional poor accounting of said supplies… [change of tone to less conspiratorial] don’t worry about this lot… bunch of monks and nuns or something… shouldn’t cause any trouble…
[Pans to Shain]
SHAIN:
Hey beautiful…you look like you could use a…
[sangha walks away]
SHAIN:
Hey there sweetheart… is it true what they say ‘saints in robes, devils in heart?’ ‘Angelic faces, hiding demonic graces’, right? Come and get a drink with me…
[another scoffs and walks away]
CINNTE:
You know they have taken a vow of celibacy, right?
SHAIN:
Exactly! A drought-stricken land, thirsty for rain!
PHAETRA:
And you smell like shit…
SHAIN:
What?!
PHAETRA:
Their thoughts not mine…
SHAIN:
[offended] They don’t smell like flowers of dawn themselves!
PHAETRA:
I don’t think their minds are on tending to the gardens of desire… [some sort of mind reading sfx]… something terrible happened to them… they lost their home… they… well… [does a sound of an explosion with her mouth]
[pans to another room with Pog and Ree drinking tea]
POG:
Ah! So that’s why you are all here!
REE:
Yes… we are hoping the Kurultai will allow us to set up here and continue our research… but of course they would have to cede lands to us and the Peace Council has been next to useless… but what about you Pog?
POG:
Well… I ummm… I work for a small group… I do a little bit of design work but mostly I am the QM… Quartermaster…
REE:
You? A blanket stacker? Surely, you’d lose your mind!
POG:
I still get to tinker a bit! And you know, I still test and research… we actually found this very interesting artefact just recently…we were hoping to find out a little bit about it…but its all very hush hush at the minute.
REE:
Pogrim, I say this as a friend, but your eyebrows have grown back completely. When was the last time something exploded in your face.
POG:
[sighing deeply] It has been a while my friend…
[Shift to Nikhol flirting with one of the Celis delegations]
NIKHOL:
Yeah…yeah…it’s actually pretty cool but I can’t really talk about it
Sister/Brother:
[flirty] Oooh! You’re so mysterious…
NIKHOL:
Oooo! I wanna tell you so bad!
SHAIN:
How is he doing better than me!? He’s the B team!
CINNTE:
and he smells even worse than you…
LIF:
You are fragile weak child inside and woman can sense.
SHAIN:
What did you say to me!?
DEC:
That’s not fair Lif!
SHAIN:
Exactly! Its…
DEC:
Men and animals can sense too… and children! Look!
[Sound of children jeering]
SHAIN:
Fuck off you crotch goblins!
[back to Nikhol and the sister/brother…the party argue in the background]
NIKHOL:
Let me just go and get myself clean and clean my clothes…I’ll be right back… I wanna hear more about your work. It sounds fascinating!
Sister/Brother:
Oh! I could clean that for you…
NIKHOL:
I couldn’t ask you to do that, its far too much trouble…
Sister/Brother:
[Smiling] you don’t know much about our order do you? Close your eyes…
NIKHOL:
[very flirty] Okay but I’m trusting you!
Sister/Brother:
[little giggle] You can trust me![Begins magical incantation in whisper] Glanáil dúlra, lanhau pridd, glanáil dúlra, lanhau pridd, glanáil dúlra, lanhau pridd.
LIF:
DAEMON!
[runs and tackles Nikhol]
NIKHOL:
Lif! What are you!? Oof!
[Draws blade]
LIF:
thought you can sneak and hurt our useless ranger witch!? Our weak wandering man-boy?! Try pick off weak!? I will take your eyes!
NIKHOL:
[getting up and hurting a little] Where did this man-boy thing come from? Lif she was just cleaning my clothes…see!
LIF:
Quick! Take them off! Soon they will strangle and remove your manhood! IT MAY ALREADY BE TOO LATE EUNUCH-BOY!
[Sounds of Lif and Nikhol struggling over his clothes]
LIF:
I am try to save you!
NIKHOL:
Please Lif! Stop!
Sister/Brother:
Your friends are real weird.
[incipit Nanda sounds of chaos continue in background]
NANDA:
Cinnte. Lordess De Ara would like you to meet them at the Library. I assume you know where it is… perhaps… allow those less suited to academic pursuits to remain behind… lest they… slow down our progress…
CINNTE:
I am more worried about what will happen if we leave them here on their own.
[loud whistle]
CINNTE:
DEC! Break them up! Sheilib! For the 100th time, magic is totally normal! Everyone except Dec, Sheilib and Shain make your way to the library! Start moving!
SHAIN:
Who made you boss!?
CINNTE:
Just following orders Shain!
SHAIN:
Well I am coming too!
CINNTE:
Really don’t care! Where is Pog?
PHAETRA:
[mind reading sounds] He’s in the back room…with ‘a friend’… his mind is racing… They’re discussing… eyebrows? I’d leave him be.
CINNTE:
Also don’t care about the QM’s eyebrows! He can stay and babysit. Let’s move everyone!
----
POG:
Did you…ever consider following me?
REE:
I think you know I did… but the work we are doing is too important to indulge in selfish…
POG:
Selfish? That’s hardly fair.
REE:
I didn’t mean…
POG:
We only get one go round Ree…
REE:
And are you happier now? Without…us… without me
----
Lif and Dec playing cards and drinking
LIF:
They leave us alone is a den of snakes Dec! All of them are casters! All of them!
DEC:
They seem okay to me Lif. Maybe these ones are the good casters!
LIF:
No such thing as good caster…only dead caster… Even they not stay dead always. Got to cut out teeth and manhood. Why the people of Reach let them in? Hmmm?
DEC:
I dunno…maybe [uncharacteristically fluent] because of article 8 section 9 of the Treaty Of Budan which requires signatory nations to render aid when the Nymphaeum’s Neutrality is threatened… [back to dumb] or something… I don’t know.
LIF:
No! They have taken mind Dec! You are bewitched!
DEC:
What? Nah, something in school wasn’t it? I mean, I didn’t go to orient but I used to listen at the window so I knew when to throw bricks at the teachers.
LIF:
[spits] Teachers almost as bad as casters. But you were just saying they are good casters…. When we know they are evil! They have power over you!
DEC:
Oh gods! You are right! I did say that!
LIF:
We must watch close and see how to break the curse… free the people of Reach from these invaders!
DEC:
Okay! Let’s watch really close! Shall I get another beer?
LIF:
Many beers and hog leg… we will be here long time…
---
ADDISON:
WELCOME ALL TO THE-
LIBRARIAN:
Shhhh!
ADDISON:
Shush?! Nanda…was I just shushed?
NANDA:
Yes Ma’am, shushed…
ADDISON:
By whom?
NANDA:
Who shushed Lordess De Ara?! Come on now…out with it…[raises voice] IT WILL BE EASIER ON ALL OF US IF-
LIBRARIAN:
SHHHHHH!
NANDA:
It appears I am now being shushed Lordess De Ara…
LIBRARIAN:
This is a place of study and quiet contemplation… you must be quiet or I will be forced to evict you from the grounds!
SHAIN:
[sound of blade being drawn] I’ll deal with this.
ADDISON:
Ten points to Shain.
CINNTE:
Are we still doing that?
ADDISON:
You are falling behind, Cinnte. Am I right, Nanda?
NANDA:
Quite right, Ma’am.
ADDISON:
You don’t want Shain to earn all the fabulous prizes do you?
CINNTE:
As if I care… Wait, Shain’s beating me?
SHAIN:
Listen here you wrinkled green belly bi-
[Shain’s hands crack as she puts him in a thumb lock]
SHAIN:
Ow! Ow! Ow!
LIBRARIAN:
You are to speak in hushed tones unless singing, do you understand me?
ADDISON: [hushed to Nanda]
That of course is a twenty-point deduction.
NANDA:
Twenty-Points, Ma’am.
SHAIN:
[Hands release] Ah! She used some stupid finger lock! That can’t be fair!
LIBRARIAN:
Shhh!
PHAETRA:
Did you say unless singing?
LIBRARIAN:
Including rhythmic poetry.
SHAIN:
You were only joking about the twenty-points though, right?
ADDISON:
Hmmm… I am not sure we are far enough into the story for a musical number… and I have a feeling that these heroes may not have the voices for it…
NIKHOL:
[Angelic singing] Whererererererere arerererererere the books on magic macguffins?
CINNTE:
Wow
PHAETRA:
Wow
FLAVIAN:
Wow
LIBRARIAN:
2nd door on the left.
ADDISON:
20 Points to Nikhol.
NANDA:
Twenty-points Ma’am.
SHAIN:
WHAT!?
NIKHOL:
YES!
ADDISON:
Minus the eunuch-boy penalty.
NIKHOL:
How did you hear about… I’m not a eunuch-boy!
NANDA:
Minus 30 points to Nikhol.
[knuckles crack as Shain put in a thumb lock again]
SHAIN:
Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! This! Is! Not! A fair! Fight!
LIBRARIAN:
Final warning. Squishy. Whispers or song!
PHAETRA:
Or rhythmic poetry…
LIBRARIAN:
Or rhythmic poetry…
SHAIN:
I’ll whisper…I’ll whisper…
FLAVIAN:
I’d really like to hear him sing….
SHAIN:
No [knuckles cracking] OooooooooOOOOOOOOoooooooOOOOOOO
PHAETRA:
Such a beautiful voice.
NANDA:
Another twenty, Lordess de Ara?
ADDISON:
Of course.
NANDA:
Twenty-Points, Ma’am.
ADDISON:
With me companions! Knowledge!
LIBRARIAN:
Sssssh
ADDISON:
[whispering] Awaits…
---
2. Seilbh, upset by the monks' presence in Reach, steals and destroys the Bikram’s symbol of office, mistakenly believing she has liberated the people.
BIKRHAM:
Brothers and Sisters, Sangha and Biksune. It is not good news I am afraid. The Reach Kurultai have rejected our third proposal to open a new centre of research and study… [sounds of despondent crowd] we are running very low on funds and will soon have to consider letting a number of you go [fading out]
LIF:
You see what they all carry?
DEC:
[Drunk/slurring] a deep and abiding sadness… We are one, they and I… Lif, I have to tell you the truth…
LIF:
No silly thick headed dumb dumb. The things around the waist…
DEC:
[still slurring] Signs of malnourishment and a road hard travelled?
LIF:
Some bronze, some silver the one who talks… his is gold… chain around the body with a big fat piece of metal on the end.
DEC:
[slurring badly] how come you aren’t drunk?
LIF:
I very drunk…very…very drunk… See.
DEC:
Did you just do a backflip?
LIF:
Not important! They are the mind control! I know it!
DEC:
the four people talking with the gold chain?
LIF:
there is only…. There are…. [focussing] they use evil magic to make more now…I think… now there are four but I think only should be one…
DEC:
Maybe we are too drunk to save Reach… maybe we should sleep and save it tomorrow? And Lif, I really need to tell you…
LIF:
I think is easy…. The heavy thing on end of chain look easy to break.
DEC:
but they all have one! It will take ages to break them all!
LIF:
you no want to break things? You are very drunk!
DEC:
that’s what I said, isn’t it?
LIF:
No. I said it.
DEC:
when?
LIF:
Just now.
DEC:
okay. So I’ll start breaking everything then?…now?
LIF:
wait! Maybe we only need break one! Gold is bigger than silver and bronze, right?
DEC:
bigger?
LIF:
bigger money, bigger trouble, bigger happy, no? Bar man always happier when give him gold.
DEC:
oh right yeah…
LIF:
so maybe just break the gold one from the talky devil man! Then big happy, and barman give hog leg.
———-
[sounds of flicking through pages and getting down books]
FLAVIAN:
this is going to take forever…
PHAETRA:
it will if all you can think about is your next beer!
FLAVIAN:
I thought you could read minds. I would have you know I was actually thinking about my missing son and his prophesied destiny. When my wife and I…
LIBRARIAN:
Ssssh
CINNTE:
[stage whisper] You don’t need to read minds to see it on your face Jaggerz.
FLAVIAN:
[stage whisper] I don’t even know why I’m here. I’ve got a haircut and a tooth extraction scheduled for noon…
CINNTE:
You know that this is supposed to be your main job, right?
FLAVIAN:
Look! Until you lot get injured or need a new hairdo, I’ve nothing! Best to keep my hand in, right? Or do you want a rusty barber working on you when it matters?
PHAETRA:
I’m sure you can help us sift some of these books, in the mean time….
FLAVIAN:
Abracadabra Artifacts: A Collector's Compendium", "Amulets & Antics: The Lighter Side of Enchanted Jewelry", "Bewitching Baubles: A Guide to Giggles and Grimoires", “Corpses and Copses: a spore druid’s primer”…
CINNTE:
you’re making those up…
FLAVIAN:
The One Ring-a-Ding: The Untold Comedy of La Tari’s Most Peculiar Power"
Pheatra;
he’s pulled them from the fiction section…
CINNTE:
seriously?
FLAVIAN:
How the hell can you tell which section is which?
PHAETRA:
Now you mention it… this place does feel very…
CINNTE:
Disorganised?
PHAETRA:
Random…
[switch to Shain staring intently at the cover and concentrating with a soft growl]
NANDA:
come on now… sound out the words…
SHAIN:
I can read it…
NANDA:
well the contents aren’t going to just jump into your mind, have you tried opening the tome?
SHAIN:
funny…
NANDA:
what is it?
SHAIN:
It’s titled: The Ogone [pronounced Ah-gon]. I don’t know where I’ve heard it before but it sounds familiar.
NANDA:
ah, the artefact the Kabouters found out in the East. The one that powers all their devices and contraptions.
SHAIN:
Dunno… but the picture on the front. Also looks very familiar…
NANDA:
hmmmm so it does… it’s a different colour and shape but it does bare a resemblance to our artifact… throw it in the maybe pile… or… perhaps read it…
SHAIN:
I could have taken her, you know?
NANDA:
pardon?
SHAIN:
The librarian… I could have taken her but then we’d have all been thrown out… I was just thinking of the team…
NANDA:
very…good?
SHAIN:
It’s just… sometimes I feel like you all don’t respect me you know.
[silence]
NANDA:
Would you like one of your points back?
SHAIN:
[surprisingly vulnerable] That would be nice, thanks Nanda.
ADDISON:
anything of note yet?
NANDA:
our fighter has something for the maybe pile…
ADDISON:
excellent! So that makes 200 no’s 1 maybe and 0 yeses! A few more days and we may have something!
CINNTE:
I have some stuff in Keteli that talks about the magical properties of shiny rocks!
ADDISON:
and our maybe pile grows! We are positively swimming in ambiguity!
NIKHOL:
I found some stuff about objects used for summoning [sounding out word] Ne-ther-en creatures?
ADDISON:
the monstrosity Lif killed might well be a netheren! Ten more points to Nikhol!
SHAIN:
WHAT?! I killed it the most!!! And my book has pictures!! I want my points!!!
—————
REE:
So! Don’t keep me in suspense… what was this artifact you found? Maybe I could help you identify it.
POG:
It’s in my travel case… upstairs…
REE:
Pogrim… you are out of practice… buy me dinner first
POG:
No no no no! I can go and get it I just meant!
REE:
[laughing] still so easy to tease!
——-
[sounds of Bikrham’s speech continuing as Lif sneaks around she unhooks the chain stands up and smashes it, the crowd go into shocked silence]
LIF:
[whispering to self conspiratorially as she approaches her target] Nearly there…stupid caster…can’t hear me talk to self…so stupid… evil magic gold thingy thing is…[snatches the chain and amulet from Bikrham’s waist] MINE!
BIKRHAM:
What are you doing?!
LIF:
[drunkenly and excitedly] The People of Reach! You are free! These evil [hiccup] mages power is broken! Rise up! Save yourselves! Your golden chains of mind magic are broken!
[Smashes the amulet]
[silence]
DEC:
Woooooooo! We saved Reach!
Sangha:
[magical spell charging] Gwthio Pŵer!
[Lif is knocked to the ground]
LIF:
Ooof!
DEC:
[Gasp]Lif! Lif! Do a backflip!
LIF:
I can’t he has stolen my back!
BIKRHAM:
Now everyone! Calm down!
DEC:
Combat?
BIKRHAM:
Please there is no need for…
LIF:
COMBAT!
DEC:
ARGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!
LIF & DEC: [Adlib battle sounds and one liners]
[sounds of chairs and tables being flipped and thrown and fighting commencing… followed by the sounds of spells being cast and small explosions]
